Monday, September 19, 2011
12 days
I'm starting to think of things more and more. I dread the day when I sit and watch Eric pack his bags. I dread the day that I do the first load of laundry that has none of his things in it. I hate thinking about going to church on Sunday mornings by myself. I don't want to have the whole bed to myself. I don't want to have the only toothbrush in our toothbrush holder. All these things sound so dumb and trivial but they scare me. I broke down last night and, ofcourse, Eric soothed me and told me that he loved me and calmed me down until I fell asleep. He is amazing. I dont cry everyday and I think I've been doing a good job of holding it together but sometimes, especially while we're in bed at night, I just break down. Mostly I guess I worry that I'm going to need him so much more than he'll need me while he's gone. He'll have a thousand things to do and he'll be in this new place and having a great time with his friends shooting guns and doing things that he loves to do. Meanwhile I'll be here living the same days and doing the same things-- all without him. I feel like I'll need to hear his voice and hear him tell me that he still loves me and isn't going to give up just to get through the days. I know that he wont need these things like I will. I dont want to smother him while hes over there or make him feel like he needs to worry about me all the time so I try to just smile and say that I'm fine while inside I feel like theres this bomb hovering over my head and it's constantly in the back of my mind ticking the seconds until he leaves. I knew I'd have good days and bad days. Last night was a bad night and hopefully today is a good day. I just worry. And I'm scared. And it stinks.
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It's okay to worry and to be scared and to miss him... but I'm sure that there's no way you will miss him or need him anymore than he misses or needs you. I may not know you EXTREMELY well but I do know that true love like the one you and Eric share keeps a bond between two people where they need and want and miss each other equally even if the two aren't in the same room together. I think it's something that's just deep within each of us that gets triggered when we find our soul mates. Surround yourself with the things you love to do and the people you love to be with... they will make it easier for you. When he leaves, you'll have good and bad days just like you are having now but not everyday will be hard if you focus on yourself and what makes you happy.
ReplyDeleteif you ever want to get together to just be in the presence of someone else... to read a book, have lunch, lay in the park... just ask and I'd love to hang out!!
hope you're days get easier
-Dez