his will

Things have been better for me. This past Saturday was a week since Eric left and I actually got to spend it with him! They had a family day picnic in Quantico and it was so much fun! I brought Kobe with me and she really remembered her daddy and was jumping and playing all over him.  The weather was beautiful and God just gave us another amazing day together.  Seeing Eric walking down the path at the park towards me was such a great feeling.  I know it's only been a week but it felt way longer and being back in his arms felt SO so amazing.  We got to spend Saturday together and most of Sunday before I had to bring him back to his camp which is always a yucky feeling.  But for the first time on Saturday, I almost forgot about Japan.  It wasnt the first thing in all my thought processes and I just simply enjoyed time with Eric and his other friends from his Unit and their families.  I just had fun and I didnt think about Japan and upcoming deployment.  It was a good feeling and I have no doubt that it was God giving me peace about his will for what was about to happen in our lives.

Today I met a woman and we randomly got to talking.  I told her of my recent wedding and that Eric was leaving for Japan and a shortened version of my recent life.  As we got deeper into talking, she told me the story of how she'd lost both of her parents in a car accident when she was 16.  She also told me about some other horrorific things that she has been through in her 55 years of life and as she's talking, she starts crying and you can just tell how broken she is.  Maybe she's more broken than I can even understand because she has had to deal with so many things and may not have any fulfilling feeling of peace in her life with it all.  Then she says "and you know what, Mandie?  I wouldnt be the woman I am today and I wouldnt have the strength and hope that I have if I didnt realize that NONE of it has been by my own will.... It's been Jesus. It's HIS strength and HIS provision and HIS will."  She goes on to tell me how prayer isnt about praying for what you want to happen and praying for God to let things go your way or make something easier for you.  The heart of your prayer should be "but God, let whatever your WILL is, be done."  She wouldnt have survived the inexplainable PAIN and heartbreak and TRIAL of her life without truly submitting and MEANING it when she ended her prayers with "... but whatever Your plan is God, let it happen and let me be at peace with whatever it is."  I realize that I'm sharing my morning and a glass of sweet tea with a strong woman of the Lord.  I'm being taught a huge lesson from a complete stranger.  God really is working in a mysterious and random way to show me something.

Since we found out about Eric's deployment back in March, I have, quite honestly, prayed that something would change and that it would get cancelled. It sounds so silly and like a dumb prayer.  I prayed even after Eric got his official orders that something would happen and that they wouldnt have to go. I prayed that I'd be able to go with him for all 6 months and that didn't work out... so I got mad at God.  Once I went to the pre-deployment family meeting about a month ago, I realized that like it or not, this was happening.  I was mad and overwhelmed with so much emotion.  The way I started interpreting things was like God and I were sitting on the sidelines together, both bummed out and  feeling defeated, watching all the deployment preparation start. Like I had put myself on His level.  Like there was nothing either of us (me or God) could do about it. (So dumb.)  But today something different and very real hit me while talking to Lesa.  I never once have prayed for God's will to be done through all of this.  I havent really truly prayed that something good would come of it. I've prayed that God's will would be the same as my will.  I've prayed that I would have peace at heart while Eric as gone (i.e. that I wouldnt miss him too much and that I wouldnt cry anymore)  but I never once prayed or even understood "God, this is your will and I WANT YOUR WILL. and Lord, HELP give me peace to be able to submit to your will." 

God has such a huge plan for Eric and I's life together.  Like, SO huge. and from scripture I know that its a good and amazing plan to give us a GOOD life.  I feel like honestly, I've never really truly WANTED God's will for my life unless it was in accordance with what I thought it should be.  Without submitting to Jesus and truly wanting Him to take over my life, my prayer life becomes somewhat selfish and empty.  And I'm really realizing now how much it's really effected me.  Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans... ;)

Encouragment

This morning at church, Brandon, our new head pastor, continued his Relationships series with a sermon for Wives.  It was an incredible sermon and it brought me to tears. (if you have a spare 40 minutes, please listen to his Wife sermon here or listen to his sermon on husbands from last week which really opens your eyes to what God wants men to be ;) http://www.commonwealthchapel.com/series/relationships/

Anyway, a lot of his sermon was directed towards encouragment and encouraging your husband.  I think its something that I could really work on especially with the deployment.  I find myself get bitter and a little bit resentful when I hear from Eric sometimes.  I know he's having a good time with the boys and I mostly just feel alone here.  I'm definitely jealous... Envious that he's handling this so much better than me.  But then I think and realize that I need to be so much more encouraging for him.  I need to show him with my words now more than ever that I love him and that I'm supporting him and that I'm genuinely happy as long as he is happy.  I need to uplift him with my words because for the next 6 months all we have is talking. Whether on skype or texts or whatever... my words mean a lot more when they're all I have.  I want to encourage him and make my words sincere and important to us growing while he's gone.  Men get shot down enough and they have enough crap to go through of their own... they should be able to come home (or call) their wife and hear sweet words from her that make their days worthwhile.  I want to be this for Eric and I will work a lot harder to be better at making everyday have some sort of encouragment for him. Because I love him with all my heart and, even when its hard for me, I want this next 6 months to be easy for him.

really Pandora?

I just left Pandora playing while I took Kobe on a walk.  I came back and started getting ready for bed and, ofcourse, thought about Eric and how much I miss him already.  Then this song came on...

and as I realized what song it was, I thought for sure I should go turn it off because surely I will break out in a fit of tears.  But, oddly, it made me smile... and it felt good. even if for just a split second. :)

hmmm....

I know this is taken out of biblical context buuuuut I think America should think about adding this law......

Deuteronomy 24:5 ~ "A newly married man must not be drafter into the army or be given any other official responsibilities.  He must be free to spend time at home, bringing happiness to the wife he has married."


just sayin'....

he's gone.

ugh... what. a. weekend. 

Eric left on Saturday. Enough said, really. I'm full of sadness and I'm freaking terrified. Sometimes it feels like I'm totally fine and 6 months will fly by and I feel full of hope.  And then something comes over me and I start freaking out and getting upset and realizing that day-to-day life for 6 months does not go by fast. ESPECIALLY without Eric.

Eric is already in Quantico getting ready and training to leave for Okinawa.  I can tell he's so excited.  I know hes there having fun with his friends and other Marines.  I know he's talking about how fun and cool Okinawa will be and how he can't wait to get there and start his new temporary life.  It would be selfish of me to say that I wish he wasnt excited.  Deep down I am SO happy that he's taking this transition so easily and that he's excited for this change.  Which is why I'm fighting like hell to be happy too.  Because I'm not taking this transition as easily as he is. Because I'm not talking to my friends about how fun the next 6 months will be.  And all of this just makes me feel that much more alone.  I feel alone physically, and alone emotionally too.  I know Eric will miss me and I know he loves me and I know that he knows being apart will be hard.  I know this is so much harder for me than it is for him and it's an awfully isolated feeling.  I need to uplift him and be positive and not cry and not show my emotions too much... for HIM.  I need to love him and be happy for him.  Even when it feels terrible and lonely.

Please, Lord.... help this to get easier.  Help me to love Eric enough to be happy for him and excited for his new experiences.  Help me to need him less and need You more. But still love Eric the same and show it through my support and optimism.  and Lord, help me to not be so terrified.

my American Soldier...

so dag'on sweet!

Last night, Eric and I came home from our last dinner together to find an envelope from his sister, Gretchen!  Inside were the sweetest, cutest, little cards that Gretchen had her 5 babies make for their Uncle Eric and a really sweet card from her and Brian.  We opened the envelope and found all ther little hand prints in red, white and blue and all their sweet little words wishing Eric the best of luck over in Japan.  It brought tears to my eyes instantly just thinking of how sweet my new little nephews are and how much they love their Uncle Eric.  Gretchen truly is the most amazing mom... She is so caring and so thoughtful and so, so loving.  I hope Eric and I are as good of parents as her and Brian are.  I'm so lucky to have them as my sister and brother-in-law.