Thursday went smoothly. We were admitted into a really comfortable, nice delivery room and the process began. Around midnight my contractions started to get pretty strong but nothing too bad. I was put on some medicine to help and that made me feel a ton better. Around 3am, my contractions were pretty unbearable because they had started me on the pitocin so I requested my epidural. After my epidural was in I felt incredible.... for a little while. I slept for a while longer and had a decent morning. Around 10am(ish?) things got really bad as my epidural was somehow not working. My legs were numb and my belly was numb but it was just the skin that was numb- nothing else. So as contractions and the pressure got more and more intense, I began to feel EVERYTHING. From 10am until 3:35pm (when Cannen was born), I was in the most excruciating pain I'd ever felt. Contractions came every minute or so and I was dilating well but I was stuck at 9 centimeters for the longest time. They tried 3 different medications in my epidural to help with the pain and nothing worked. It was the worst pain I had every experienced. I was EXHAUSTED as well and began to get delirious. I don't remember a lot of things within those 5 hours except being put on oxygen and being terrified everytime I would feel a contraction coming, just knowing how bad I was about to hurt. Eric was there holding my hand and silently praying his way through each contraction. He was the most amazing and supportive partner and coach through that whole afternoon. He held my hand and kissed my forehead more times than you could count. He helped me breathe and told me how much he loved me and how great I was doing. I know I must have been a hot mess the whole time but he still made me feel pretty. My mom was there too through everything except the actual birth when she left so it could just be Eric and I. She was SO helpful too- drying my tear stained face and helping me breathe through the contractions and the pain. She's obviously done this three times so she knew how to help and how to help alleviate some of my pain. I don't know what I would have done without Eric and my mom.
Around 3pm-ish, I was finally 10cm dilated and it was time to push. I was so so scared. Knowing that I was about to feel every bit of this birth and knowing that I could be pushing for well over an hour or MORE before the baby crowned, and knowing that through all of that I'd still be experiencing the pain of the contractions every minute... It was terrifying. At this point I couldn't feel my arms or neck anymore because of how tense I my body had been the past 5 hours through all of those contractions. I was told to push through every contraction and that's what I did. It was by far the most awfully painful and horrendous experience I could ever imagine. Had the epidural worked, I'm sure my story would be different. (The Dr explained to me that sometimes, for unexplained reason, a womans body will just simply reject the epidural. Her nerves won't accept the medication and just the skin or certain parts of the lower body will feel the numbing. I couldn't believe of all the epidurals given everyday to laboring mothers, I got a dud. lol) Between pushing through contractions I was literally falling asleep even despite the amount of pain my body was in-- THAT'S how exhausted my body was. Eric said I was mumbling random things and not making any sense. I don't remember much about the pushing phase of the labor and I'm probably glad that I don't. It was just awful.
Finally, at 3:35pm, Cannen Eric Waagner was born into our world. They put him on my chest and I tried to swaddle him up as good as I could. Through my tears I saw Eric's tears and a flood of relief came through my body as I heard his little boy cry. SUCH a teeny little cry meant that the labor was over, I was done, and I had a beautiful son.
Weighing in at 8.8lbs and 20.5in, I had a pretty good size baby there! They handed him to me after cleaning him up and Eric and I got to look at our son. He was pretty alert and awake and just looked up at us trying to take in his big world I imagine. The sense of pride and love that I felt for that little boy is unlike anything I could explain. He started off as nothing and he grew to be this little man, half me half Eric. It's an amazing miracle. After a bit, they took him up to the nursery because they were a little fearful that he was retaining fluid in his lungs. His breathing sounded a little off to them but the Dr's werent too concerned. After they moved me up to my recovery room I was reunited with my little boy again where we spent the next two days together in the hospital with Eric and tons of visitors-- just getting to know eachother a little better :)
Cannen is now 6 days old and 6 days cuter and 6 days more perfect if that was even possible. It's been a long and sometimes rough week just simply figuring out how to handle a newborn. I'm new at being a mommy, Eric's new at being a daddy, and Cannen is new at being a baby! It's a learning experience for us all! Night times have been hit and miss. 2 good nights, and 2 bad nights since we've been home. Sleep is minimal but I somehow mostly get through the day with a smile on my face... but I know that's just God having his hand on our family through even the little things. I've found motherhood to be the most insane feeling of love so far. Something I've clearly never felt before. Eric has been the sweetest daddy and watching him with Cannen is by far my favorite part of everyday. Cannen looks up at him and it melts my heart. I thought it wasn't possible for me to love Eric more but watching him with Cannen and being a co-parent with him has made me grow to love and respect and need him more than I ever imagined... He was always a perfect husband and somehow so far he's naturally a perfect dad. I came out to the living room the other day and Eric was sitting with Cannen, reading the bible with him. In the hospital Eric told Cannen his first bedtime story- the story of how Jesus died for us and God's love for Cannen. It's only been 6 days since he was born and I've already had so many deep heart moments that I'll never forget.
Sometimes I'm too much of a worrier and I know the sleep deprivation has gotten to me a bit too. I worry that Eric and I's marriage will fall second to the baby and we could lose touch. I worry that I wasn't ready to be a mom and I don't know what I'm doing. I worry that I'll screw up and make a mistake. I worry that Eric will become over stressed and home will be a place of chaos and tension instead of love and relaxation. All of these silly worries that I need to let go of and give to God and embrace a peace of heart about. I know everything is going to be wonderful. I know Eric and I have a love for eachother that exceeds any stress or trial that we could come to. I know that as long as we pray and do our part to make God the most important part of Cannen's upbringing and life that Cannen will move mountains one day and be the kind of boy that the Lord wants him to be. We've started this little family, we have no idea what we're doing half the time, but we have all the faith in the world that the happiest days of our lives are yet to come. As a mom and a wife, I am SO in love with my two boys and I'm devoted to building myself into the best wife and mother that I can be for both of them. It is by an insane amount of grace that I have the life that I do. As my daily prayer life and relationship with the Lord grows everyday, I see more and more that God has had his hand in everything that's happened to Eric and I the past year or so and it's all turned out to be more than we could have hoped for. Eric is the best thing that has ever happened to me and Cannen is the best thing that's happened to us. ALL thanks and glory to God...
"She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." -Proverbs 31:26-31
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