This morning at church, Brandon, our pastor, made a comment about Seasons of life. God said in the bible that there will be different seasons in life; some filled with more openness, hope, and happiness and some filled with distance, dissatisfaction and discouragement. I immediately started looking at this concept as pertaining to my marriage. Relationships are constantly in a state of transition and naturally, marriages will go through different seasons. It doesn't mean that it's healthy for a marriage to be "stuck" in a certain season and it never should because there is always room for progress.
Eric and I are definitely seeing the different seasons in marriages and we've experienced atleast a glimpse of each season, I think. I'd say an "Autumn" season in marriage is one of uncertainty. Maybe on the outside things look great but on the inside, things are falling apart. Apprehension is setting in; sadness or disengaging emotionally. I'd say that since this deployment has started, I've felt a lot of that. Just feeling distant- literally and emotionally. I think that a Fall season of marriage is the most dangerous. But this doesn't mean that my marriage has to transition into the coldness of winter, though. SOOO, I've decided to go straight to Springtime. :) Filled with hope and optimism and gratitude and love and trust. It's a time of new beginnings and open flow of communication. This is something that I have to do- I have to be in this mindset for the rest of this deployment. The bible reassures us that there is always hope. We need to let his love surround our marriage and encourage both Eric and I that better days are ahead. :)
"We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone." - Psalm 33:20-22
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
an open love letter
Sweet amazing husband,
Though I know that the odds of this are slim, can you feel how much my heart is reaching out to you today? I know you're asleep right now, but can you feel the pounding ache in my heart? Not aching for my own want to be with you and touch you, but aching for you feel the same thing and somehow for me to feel comfort and not feel so alone. Can you feel that stretching achy feeling? Do you feel the "somethings missing" feeling? The one that tells you life goes on but at the same time life doesnt go on when everyday is consumed by the same thoughts of the other person.
I am sorry that my expectations for you somehow get twisted. I know that I weigh you down sometimes with unrealistic demands to try to be the husband that you would be if you were here in person. As your wife, I must concern myself with the role of being your best "FRIEND", because being the same partner and husband as you are in person is not possible for you right now. I will try to walk in you boots a little more everyday. I will learn to better accept you as God made you, and in that, listen better, encourage better, and give you a break. I promise that I will not always be good at doing this... but I will try.
When we go through times of turbulent communication, I'll try not to lose my head. When there is unresolved conflict, I'll try not to be selfish and impatient. I will try to accept these rough patches with womanly grace, instead of child-like fear and grief. You will never be able to understand what I am going through back here at home, so I will aim to understand that as well. Again, I promise I will not always be good at doing this... but I will try.
I am so irreversibly, unbelievably, wholly in love with you. Though we are not together right now, our marriage has roots. In the winter time, you can't see flowers but you know that underground, their roots are strong and intertwined. We do not see it, but God is at work there. He is still growing and sustaining and fortifying. Perhaps that's what God has done in our marriage. He is at work underground, giving strength to our roots and anchoring them; making a kind of love that will come out of this with a deeper understanding of connection and commitment. Root with me underground and let's grow another seven months deeper, where nobody can see us.
You have made me realize that I am a soldier of sorts. I have come to realize that very few women are made of the same cement that military wives are and I have the newest, most passionate, respect for couples like us and for you alone, as a United Stated Marine.
God made me strong when He made me for you. And when I cant touch you, lie next to you, talk to you, laugh with you, or tell you how much I love you- I will pray for you.
I will never give up,
your wife
Though I know that the odds of this are slim, can you feel how much my heart is reaching out to you today? I know you're asleep right now, but can you feel the pounding ache in my heart? Not aching for my own want to be with you and touch you, but aching for you feel the same thing and somehow for me to feel comfort and not feel so alone. Can you feel that stretching achy feeling? Do you feel the "somethings missing" feeling? The one that tells you life goes on but at the same time life doesnt go on when everyday is consumed by the same thoughts of the other person.
I am sorry that my expectations for you somehow get twisted. I know that I weigh you down sometimes with unrealistic demands to try to be the husband that you would be if you were here in person. As your wife, I must concern myself with the role of being your best "FRIEND", because being the same partner and husband as you are in person is not possible for you right now. I will try to walk in you boots a little more everyday. I will learn to better accept you as God made you, and in that, listen better, encourage better, and give you a break. I promise that I will not always be good at doing this... but I will try.
When we go through times of turbulent communication, I'll try not to lose my head. When there is unresolved conflict, I'll try not to be selfish and impatient. I will try to accept these rough patches with womanly grace, instead of child-like fear and grief. You will never be able to understand what I am going through back here at home, so I will aim to understand that as well. Again, I promise I will not always be good at doing this... but I will try.
I am so irreversibly, unbelievably, wholly in love with you. Though we are not together right now, our marriage has roots. In the winter time, you can't see flowers but you know that underground, their roots are strong and intertwined. We do not see it, but God is at work there. He is still growing and sustaining and fortifying. Perhaps that's what God has done in our marriage. He is at work underground, giving strength to our roots and anchoring them; making a kind of love that will come out of this with a deeper understanding of connection and commitment. Root with me underground and let's grow another seven months deeper, where nobody can see us.
You have made me realize that I am a soldier of sorts. I have come to realize that very few women are made of the same cement that military wives are and I have the newest, most passionate, respect for couples like us and for you alone, as a United Stated Marine.
God made me strong when He made me for you. And when I cant touch you, lie next to you, talk to you, laugh with you, or tell you how much I love you- I will pray for you.
I will never give up,
your wife
A touching letter from a wife to a military wife
While I have never had the pleasure of meeting you or your husband, I felt the need to write you and express a very deep feeling that I have in my heart.
I, as a person, am not brave. I do not tackle things head on, as I hate confrontation. I will travel 100 miles out of my way just to avoid a conflict. I am an American woman that has no idea what is going on in the military other than what I hear on the news.I have never had to let go of someone so that they could go fight for people that they didn't know, people that sometimes do not appreciate or understand what they are fighting for.
I have never had a sleepless night of worry because of a report that another bomb has exploded and I still haven't heard from my husband.
I have never had to wait for months on end to hold the one that I loved so.
I have never had to tell my children that daddy wasn't coming home tonight because he was so far away fighting for something that they aren't yet old enough to understand.
I have never had to hold my head high and suppress the tears as I hear that it will be at least another six months of separation before my loved one gets to come home.
I have never had to deal with a holiday away from the one that I thought I would share every day of my life with.
And I have never had to feel the panic rising in my heart at the sound of a ringing phone or knock at the door for fear that it is the news that everyone is terrified of getting.
For the reasons listed above, I can not tell you that I understand how you feel. I can not tell you that you must be strong. I can not say that you shouldn't be angry, because you "knew what you were getting into when you married a military man". I can not say these things because I have never had to walk in your shoes.
What I can say for certain is that because of your unselfish acts of bravery and your husbands willingness to stand up for those who see him as "just another soldier" - - I will never have to walk in your shoes.
I do understand that as a military wife you are expected to uphold a certain amount of control, but I never understood how you could do it, until now. I have figured out that you are not like other women. You are of a special breed. You have a strength within you that holds life together in the darkest of hours, a strength of which I will never possess. The faith you have is what makes you stand out in a crowd; it makes you glow with emotion and swell with pride at the mention of The United States of America.
You are a special lady, a wonderful partner and a glorious American.
I have more respect for your husband than I could ever tell you, but until recently I never thought much about those that the soldier leaves at home during deployment.
Until this moment I could never put into words exactly what America meant to me.
Until this moment, I had no real reason to.... Until I heard of you.
Your husband and his military family hold this nation close, safe from those who wish to hurt us...but you and those like you are the backbone of the American family. You keep the wheels in motion and the hearts alive while most would just break completely down. Military families make this nation what it is today.
You give us all hope and you emit a warming light at the end of a long dark tunnel.
Because of you and your family...I am able to be me. I am able to have my family. I am able to walk free in this great land. Because of you and your family, I can look ahead to the future with the knowledge that life is going to be okay. Because of you and your family, I can awake to a new day, everyday.
I realize that you are a stronger person than I will ever be because of these things and I just wanted to take the time today to say thank you to you and your family for allowing me that freedom.
I will never be able to repay this debt to you, as it is unmatchable. However, I hope that you know that no matter where you are...what you are doing...what has happened today...or what will happen tomorrow...Your husband will NEVER be "just another soldier" to me.... And you, dear sweet lady, will never be forgotten.
You are all in my prayer's everyday and I pray that God will bring you back together with your loved one safely.
May God Bless You.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Japanese!
So since we booked our tickets to Japan, (I'm flying over with one of Eric's friends girlfriends so I wont be so lonely :) I have decided that I'm going to learn some Japanese. My mama knows some Japanese because she actually lived in Okinawa for a few years of her younger childhood when my grandpa was in the AirForce stationed there. So mama has been teaching me what she remembers a little bit and I've been youtubing videos. I probably wont get far because this language makes no freakin sense and there is nothing cohesive about it soooo I'll keep yall updated.
For now, heres a super cute picture of Eric and the twins, Max and Neveah, right before he left. He loves them so much and is always in the other room playing with them when all the adults are in a different room... haha He's going to be such a good daddy one day :)
For now, heres a super cute picture of Eric and the twins, Max and Neveah, right before he left. He loves them so much and is always in the other room playing with them when all the adults are in a different room... haha He's going to be such a good daddy one day :)
ticket status: BOOKED.
YAYYY! As of yesterday, I am officially booked on a flight to Okinawa to spend Christmas with Eric/visit for a few weeks!!!! Now, for the time being, I'm counting down the days until I get thereeee!!! I'm so excited and I can't wait to spend time with him over where he is. I'm one of the luckiest girls in the world that I get to visit my husband on deployment. I cannot wait for this trip and to SEE MY HUSBANDDD!!!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
so perfect :)
I loved the vows that Eric and I promised to eachother on our wedding day... but here's Eric's "real" vows. I don't want to lose this so I'm posting it :)
I will kill the spiders. I will share my fries with you when you’ve finished all yours and are still hungry. I will feed your tummy when I hear it growl and gurgle, I promise to get up and check for robbers in the middle of the night when the air vents make a noise. I will let you throw away my clothes that you think are ugly... as long as you keep your clothes off the floor. I will eat all the sausages when we order the supreme pizza. I will give you back massages. Even when you tell me you'll give me one in return and I know you probably wont because you'll fall asleep. I will kiss your papercuts and your clumsy drawer-slammed finger and your counter-bumped hip. I’ll try my hardest not to get annoyed when you whisper questions and comments during movies. I will be the big spoon. and roll over and tell you I love you in your sleep. I will let you win at wrestling. Sometimes. Other times I will not. I will call you beautiful atleast once a day. I will send you random texts and leave you silly gifts. Just whenever I want to, Whenever I think you need one... or seven. I will check your tire pressure. and remind you to take your car in. I will hold your hand. I will love you. I will love you. I will love you.
:)
I will kill the spiders. I will share my fries with you when you’ve finished all yours and are still hungry. I will feed your tummy when I hear it growl and gurgle, I promise to get up and check for robbers in the middle of the night when the air vents make a noise. I will let you throw away my clothes that you think are ugly... as long as you keep your clothes off the floor. I will eat all the sausages when we order the supreme pizza. I will give you back massages. Even when you tell me you'll give me one in return and I know you probably wont because you'll fall asleep. I will kiss your papercuts and your clumsy drawer-slammed finger and your counter-bumped hip. I’ll try my hardest not to get annoyed when you whisper questions and comments during movies. I will be the big spoon. and roll over and tell you I love you in your sleep. I will let you win at wrestling. Sometimes. Other times I will not. I will call you beautiful atleast once a day. I will send you random texts and leave you silly gifts. Just whenever I want to, Whenever I think you need one... or seven. I will check your tire pressure. and remind you to take your car in. I will hold your hand. I will love you. I will love you. I will love you.
:)
fear of missing vs. missing
There are good days and bad days. Today was a bad day. Not only do I have the flu AND strep throat AND I have to go back to work tomorrow, but I missed Eric SO much today. And he's only been gone for 8 days... EIGHT STINKIN' DAYS!!! I was fine until I thought about that. Until I was lying on the couch this morning and thought "wow, Eric's been gone for so long"... and then I realized he's only been gone for 8 days and I still have like a thousand days to go. Just kill me.
So, today was the first day I think that it really kicked me in the gut. When Eric left I was sad knowing that he wouldnt be home for so long, but we'd gone more than a week without seeing eachother before. Its getting to the point now, (and its not even full blown yet), that I will actually START missing him... instead of just the FEAR of missing him. Booo... all these emotions are insane! I feel crazy! haha
My joy is in my faith in Jesus though and He has been here for me and SO present lately to make me feel so much comfort. I may not be happy all the time, but I'm always filled with actual joy (and there is a difference). I just want my husband back and I want to move forward in our marriage. Happily. Together.
So, today was the first day I think that it really kicked me in the gut. When Eric left I was sad knowing that he wouldnt be home for so long, but we'd gone more than a week without seeing eachother before. Its getting to the point now, (and its not even full blown yet), that I will actually START missing him... instead of just the FEAR of missing him. Booo... all these emotions are insane! I feel crazy! haha
My joy is in my faith in Jesus though and He has been here for me and SO present lately to make me feel so much comfort. I may not be happy all the time, but I'm always filled with actual joy (and there is a difference). I just want my husband back and I want to move forward in our marriage. Happily. Together.
(just one of my favs ;)
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Things I find myself doing since Eric left:
1. Online shopping. oops...
2. Getting sick. ugh... the stress really takes its toll.
3. Obsessing over my dog like she's a child.
4. Eating Reese's Pieces. non.stop.
5. Bugging my mom to be my friend and come over to play every night.
6. Getting up 30 times in the middle of the night. a) because it's still hard sleeping without Eric and b) because every noise I hear I get paranoid and think someones trying to break in. And since Eric isn't here, I have to get up and check it out.
7. Checking my phone every 8 seconds for a text from Eric
8. Watching more ridiculous TV show series. My DVR is completely full.
9. Watching wedding shows on TLC to remind me of Eric and I's wedding-- when things were a bit happier
10. Sleeping in his t-shirts
11. Staying completely on my side of the bed all night
12. CRAFTING. I've literally been sewing and crafting every single day for hours... Everyone will get the coolest Christmas gifts so be ready.
13. Finding the coolest themed care packages EVER for Eric and planning them out
14. Caring what I look like at 8am because thats when I skype Eric
15. Missing him more than I ever thought was even possible. :)
2. Getting sick. ugh... the stress really takes its toll.
3. Obsessing over my dog like she's a child.
4. Eating Reese's Pieces. non.stop.
5. Bugging my mom to be my friend and come over to play every night.
6. Getting up 30 times in the middle of the night. a) because it's still hard sleeping without Eric and b) because every noise I hear I get paranoid and think someones trying to break in. And since Eric isn't here, I have to get up and check it out.
7. Checking my phone every 8 seconds for a text from Eric
8. Watching more ridiculous TV show series. My DVR is completely full.
9. Watching wedding shows on TLC to remind me of Eric and I's wedding-- when things were a bit happier
10. Sleeping in his t-shirts
11. Staying completely on my side of the bed all night
12. CRAFTING. I've literally been sewing and crafting every single day for hours... Everyone will get the coolest Christmas gifts so be ready.
13. Finding the coolest themed care packages EVER for Eric and planning them out
14. Caring what I look like at 8am because thats when I skype Eric
15. Missing him more than I ever thought was even possible. :)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Eric's address
For anyone who reads this (if anyone) and would like Eric's address to send him packages, letters or whatever- let me know! I have his exact address and you can expect about 4-7 days before he recieves it. Message me on facebook or text/call me or whatever and I'll give you his new address! :)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
got to talk to Eric tonight on facebook chat for a couple minutes. I'm trying so hard not to be brought down by the fact that my only contact with my husband in over 48 hours has been about 5 texts and 5 minutes of facebook chat.... but it's hard. It's totally not his fault obviously, I guess I just didn't prepare myself for how hard communicating with him would be. I am very grateful that I've gotten to hear from him at all, though. I guess it's just tough because I already have so much I want to tell him and I want to hear about what he's doing and there are just so many topics to cover and we cant do it. I wonder if we'll be able to really catch up and fully include eachother in our daily lives.
I'm going to sleep now, and he's just finishing lunch. And tomorrow when I wake up, he will be going to sleep. and my biggest fear is our opposite lives phasing eachother out. I am still optimistic that we can come up with some sort of schedule and I always knew the first week or two of this would be weird and difficult and uncomfortable, so it can only get better from here. I should have prepared myself for how busy and demanding his schedule would be over there... I guess I hoped for getting to talk to him more the first few days to ease my discomfort a little bit. I also hoped he would have more time to get acclimated before they threw him into everything over there. Lord, please please please help me to keep a good attitude and a supportive, encouraging, optimism for Eric and I.
and please help us to be able to stay close and not phase eachother out of our lives despite the opposite time zones... If I'm scared of anything at all- it's that.
Love you, Eric. Hope you have a good day, babe.... Goodnight
I'm going to sleep now, and he's just finishing lunch. And tomorrow when I wake up, he will be going to sleep. and my biggest fear is our opposite lives phasing eachother out. I am still optimistic that we can come up with some sort of schedule and I always knew the first week or two of this would be weird and difficult and uncomfortable, so it can only get better from here. I should have prepared myself for how busy and demanding his schedule would be over there... I guess I hoped for getting to talk to him more the first few days to ease my discomfort a little bit. I also hoped he would have more time to get acclimated before they threw him into everything over there. Lord, please please please help me to keep a good attitude and a supportive, encouraging, optimism for Eric and I.
and please help us to be able to stay close and not phase eachother out of our lives despite the opposite time zones... If I'm scared of anything at all- it's that.
Love you, Eric. Hope you have a good day, babe.... Goodnight
the power of love
I know the heading of this post sounds so lame (maybe because it's the title of a Celine Dion ballad.....) but in any case, I've been realizing the power of love more and more since this whole deployment has started. I find that I am constantly reassuring myself more and more that Eric and I are in love-- madly and truly in love. And that no matter what happens, that will always win. I hate that we will live pretty separate lives for the next 6 months with him 13 hours a head of me. Literally when I'm awake, he will sleeping. And I hate that he will have SO much to take his mind off of me and us and I will be here, in our home, counting every minute until he comes home. There are so many things that I dislike about this but I've chosen to from now on be positive and good-spirited about everything no matter how difficult it may be. And I think it's because no matter what doubts or worries or ill-feeling I have towards this whole thing, I know that Eric loves me more than he can even put into words. And I love him no matter what as well.
I've come to realize- so far- that in marriage, when we don't feel loved or supported, our differences become magnified. We fight for that love and significance and we fight for the marriage itself and sooner or later, marriage can feel like more of a battlefield than a safe haven. Love isnt the answer to every problem but it opens up the feeling of security so that two people can openly talk to eachother and solve problems without anyone feeling bullied or condemned. Loving eachother is what will bring out the best in eachother which is the biggest reward of love. So love really is the most powerful thing in the world I think. It's love that led Christ to give his life for us. It's love that Christ tells us is the greatest thing we have to give one another. It's love that will get Eric and I through this hard time in our lives. It's love that will help me sleep at night knowing that I don't know when I'll get to talk to my husband again. To love Eric and commit to loving him in every situation or season of life presents SO MUCH potential for the most amazing marriage for us. To love Eric sacrificially, and strive to re-enact the gospel through my marriage and be a representative of a Christ-like love is the most important thing I can bring to my marriage.
I've come to realize- so far- that in marriage, when we don't feel loved or supported, our differences become magnified. We fight for that love and significance and we fight for the marriage itself and sooner or later, marriage can feel like more of a battlefield than a safe haven. Love isnt the answer to every problem but it opens up the feeling of security so that two people can openly talk to eachother and solve problems without anyone feeling bullied or condemned. Loving eachother is what will bring out the best in eachother which is the biggest reward of love. So love really is the most powerful thing in the world I think. It's love that led Christ to give his life for us. It's love that Christ tells us is the greatest thing we have to give one another. It's love that will get Eric and I through this hard time in our lives. It's love that will help me sleep at night knowing that I don't know when I'll get to talk to my husband again. To love Eric and commit to loving him in every situation or season of life presents SO MUCH potential for the most amazing marriage for us. To love Eric sacrificially, and strive to re-enact the gospel through my marriage and be a representative of a Christ-like love is the most important thing I can bring to my marriage.
another Eric Update
ALL PRAISE TO GOD for keeping Eric and the rest of the unit safe on their long long flight! MORE praise to God for letting Erics Blackberry Messenger work over in Japan! Haha Eric bbm-ed me at 1:36am last night and have never shot out of bed so fast! I heard his special ringtone for bbm's and I was wide awake! he said that they had just landed somewhere in mainland Japan and they were refueling and on their way to AirForce base Kadina in Okinawa! (And he told me he loved me soo much... Twice ;) I have not heard from him since then but I'm hopeful to hear from him today! it is 1130am here meaning is 1230am there! its already early Wednesday there and Tuesday just started for us! (this 13 hour time difference will for sure take some getting used to.) in any case, I'm hoping that Eric is sleeping soundly and finally off that dag'on plane! I love you, handsome! Wherever you are!
Monday, October 17, 2011
update!!!
hello fellow Eric fans. Im tearing up as I write this post but I'm simultaneously laughing at myself, so that's progress! it is utterly shocking how my tears ran out yet. ANYWAY! yesterday Eric boarded the plane to his first stop- Alaska. I actually got to skype him in the Alaska airport this morning and our boy still looks good! haha! He whined a little about being hungry... not new news. ;) But after a long layover, he left this morning at 11am for Japan! its an 8 hour flight so when I hear anything Ill be sure to update! he sends his love and he knows and is so grateful for all the prayers flooding in his way :)
Erics recent schedule...
I've had a few questions about Erics recent schedule. I know now it has been a bit confusing as I have 3 different posts about saying goodbye to him. haha! (Cruel and unusual punishment that I've had to say bye to my husband 3 times but I'll take what time with him I can get ;) here's what has been up:
October 1st- Eric left for Quantico, VA for training at a camp there on base.
October 8th- Erics Unit through a family day picnic in Quantico. after that, he got liberty for the rest of the weekend meaning that he could come home with me and I brought him back to Quantico Sunday night.
Finally, on the 12th (our 2 month wedding anniversary- best 2 months of my life by the way) Eric got to come home for his last liberty for 3 days. I spent the most romantic and sweet 3 days with my amazing husband and sadly, this past Saturday the 16th, I brought Eric to his Unit and kissed him goodbye.
October 1st- Eric left for Quantico, VA for training at a camp there on base.
October 8th- Erics Unit through a family day picnic in Quantico. after that, he got liberty for the rest of the weekend meaning that he could come home with me and I brought him back to Quantico Sunday night.
Finally, on the 12th (our 2 month wedding anniversary- best 2 months of my life by the way) Eric got to come home for his last liberty for 3 days. I spent the most romantic and sweet 3 days with my amazing husband and sadly, this past Saturday the 16th, I brought Eric to his Unit and kissed him goodbye.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Set Fire To The Third Bar lyrics and video... amazing song.
I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places
I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science
Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms
After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms
goodbye
Well, yesterday was it. It was a whirlwind of a day and it felt crazy. Things flew by and kind of went in slow motion at the same time. But dropping Eric off at his Unit and saying goodbye was by far the hardest thing I think I have ever done. Knowing that I wont see him again for months. Knowing that its the last kiss I'll get and the last time his arms will hold me for so long. Eric remained strong through the goodbye and I tried my best but couldnt fight the feeling of desperation to hold him longer or kiss him one more time. Every feeling physically stung me and I was sick to my stomach as he closed the car door on me and walked away.
I've closed my eyes several times already to remember how he smells and the way he feels. Yesterday, I held his face in my hands, and that is a memory embedded into my mind. I can still feel his lips on mine, taste the salt of my tears, and hear the racing of my heart as we said, "'Til we see each other again." I wanted to stop the car and scream, "No! Don't leave me!" But I knew that I couldn't, so I left remembering the love we have and the strength he gives to me and trying to take with me the pride I feel for him because he leaves in honor of America and her people.
No one will EVER understand what it's like for a wife to send her husband away unless they personally endure it. I will forever be effected by this trial that Eric and I are going to stomach for the next 7 months and the emotions and reactions that I felt yesterday were, hopefully, the hardest that we will need to go through and hopefully that was the near-end to all the tears.
All I need to know to get through everything is that Eric loves me and that he'll love me through all of this. And I need him to know that he is the world to me and that I love him more than anything.
1 day down... and exactly 200 more days to go.
I've closed my eyes several times already to remember how he smells and the way he feels. Yesterday, I held his face in my hands, and that is a memory embedded into my mind. I can still feel his lips on mine, taste the salt of my tears, and hear the racing of my heart as we said, "'Til we see each other again." I wanted to stop the car and scream, "No! Don't leave me!" But I knew that I couldn't, so I left remembering the love we have and the strength he gives to me and trying to take with me the pride I feel for him because he leaves in honor of America and her people.
No one will EVER understand what it's like for a wife to send her husband away unless they personally endure it. I will forever be effected by this trial that Eric and I are going to stomach for the next 7 months and the emotions and reactions that I felt yesterday were, hopefully, the hardest that we will need to go through and hopefully that was the near-end to all the tears.
All I need to know to get through everything is that Eric loves me and that he'll love me through all of this. And I need him to know that he is the world to me and that I love him more than anything.
1 day down... and exactly 200 more days to go.
Monday, October 10, 2011
a detailed thought process on Eric's leaving.
''When you find out your husband is getting deployed, your world changes completely. The man you share your life with is leaving. Days fly by quicker than you have ever known. They are consumed with nonstop picture taking, hugs, kisses and sighs because reality is too close. We try to finish projects around the house and get a quick lesson on using power tools.
It’s days on end trying not to cry too hard so you don’t make him feel bad ... laying your head on his chest trying to memorize the sound of his heartbeat, the way he holds you, kisses you on the head, his laughter and his smell. Holding his hand and not wanting to let go, not even for a second. A million kisses and hugs. Saying I love you 50 times a day and still questioning whether you have said it enough.
Attending a send-off ceremony and feeling like you are the luckiest girl in the world to be married to a hero. Strong and proud they stand in perfect formation. They are clearly disciplined and well-trained. It’s a side of him I have never seen, and I thought I knew everything about him. The last day together you fight back tears every second and wonder how you can just walk away from him. You watch families around you hugging and saying their good-byes. You feel numb and every emotion all at the same time. You struggle to walk to your car and drive away without him, only to pull over moments later to breakdown. Your home is just a house now. Everyday will revolve around thinking about him, worrying and watching the clock to calculate what time it is half way around the world. You'll try to stay busy, but the stress doesn’t go away. It’s a roller coaster ride, and life won’t let you get off. Being alone some days is more comforting than forcing yourself to be in a good mood to have coffee with a friend. Friends struggle to say the right things to help, but feel helpless as well. It’s an invisible barrier that separates even family.
Doing laundry and realizing there are none of his clothes to do, and wishing there was. Setting the table for two at dinner even if there is just me. Sleeping on the couch because you can’t bear to sleep in your bed when he is on a cot, and it’s just not the same without him next to you. Leaving his shoes next to the front door because it comforts you, and they won’t be moved until he is home.
Avoiding phone calls because you just can’t talk about it, again. “I’m fine” is never enough, but you can’t make people understand no matter how hard you try. Alienating yourself so you don’t have to fake a smile or conversation. Wanting to just scream and yell until you have no voice left, and wiping away those endless tears. “Snapping out of it” will take a year. Bonding with military wives you just met, and pouring your heart out because it’s easier than telling your best friend.
Wondering if he will be the same person he was when he left and feel comfortable in his own home when he gets back. Feeling selfish for having a pity party when he has it a lot worse. Watching the news when you are told not to. Not knowing who you are at the end of the day because you can’t be who you were without him.
The word “why” is the first word in everything you think about. No matter how hard you try, you’re always thinking the worst case scenario. Wanting to sleep the whole next year because it’s the only time you get a break from thinking. In reality sleep is only a couple hours here and there. Avoiding your favorite songs or TV shows that you enjoyed together because you have no one’s hand to hold or arms to lay in. Wearing his clothes while he is gone and using a shirt with his cologne as a pillowcase to snuggle up to.
Trying to pray double-time, but feeling like a hypocrite because right now you're angry at God. Walking around with a lump in your throat and a pit in your stomach for the next year. Saying “thank you, he’s fine,” because if you say too much you’ll just cry, like you have done for the past four days. Just going through the motions of getting up, getting ready and going through your day clutching your phone in case he calls. When he does call you get an instant high just knowing he is okay, and trying not to forget to tell him about all things you did that day, but leaving the part out about screaming like a mad woman because your tire is going flat, your job sucks, and bills need to be paid. When all is said and done, you’re proud of the woman you are and you have a girly toolbox.
Wanting people to understand that most of the soldiers don’t want to be there either. They want peace like all of us do. Wondering why almost every house you see doesn’t have an American flag on it like after 9/11. Wanting to tell all the people at an anti-war rally that they are there because they are free and have those rights because they live in a country protected by the military. That the people your husband encounters everyday would love to have a right to an education. When the worst happens they will want the soldiers to protect them. Understanding the TRUE meaning of honor, pride, dedication and hero. Displaying the American flag, a yellow ribbon, supporting our troops, and never forgetting."
his will
Things have been better for me. This past Saturday was a week since Eric left and I actually got to spend it with him! They had a family day picnic in Quantico and it was so much fun! I brought Kobe with me and she really remembered her daddy and was jumping and playing all over him. The weather was beautiful and God just gave us another amazing day together. Seeing Eric walking down the path at the park towards me was such a great feeling. I know it's only been a week but it felt way longer and being back in his arms felt SO so amazing. We got to spend Saturday together and most of Sunday before I had to bring him back to his camp which is always a yucky feeling. But for the first time on Saturday, I almost forgot about Japan. It wasnt the first thing in all my thought processes and I just simply enjoyed time with Eric and his other friends from his Unit and their families. I just had fun and I didnt think about Japan and upcoming deployment. It was a good feeling and I have no doubt that it was God giving me peace about his will for what was about to happen in our lives.
Today I met a woman and we randomly got to talking. I told her of my recent wedding and that Eric was leaving for Japan and a shortened version of my recent life. As we got deeper into talking, she told me the story of how she'd lost both of her parents in a car accident when she was 16. She also told me about some other horrorific things that she has been through in her 55 years of life and as she's talking, she starts crying and you can just tell how broken she is. Maybe she's more broken than I can even understand because she has had to deal with so many things and may not have any fulfilling feeling of peace in her life with it all. Then she says "and you know what, Mandie? I wouldnt be the woman I am today and I wouldnt have the strength and hope that I have if I didnt realize that NONE of it has been by my own will.... It's been Jesus. It's HIS strength and HIS provision and HIS will." She goes on to tell me how prayer isnt about praying for what you want to happen and praying for God to let things go your way or make something easier for you. The heart of your prayer should be "but God, let whatever your WILL is, be done." She wouldnt have survived the inexplainable PAIN and heartbreak and TRIAL of her life without truly submitting and MEANING it when she ended her prayers with "... but whatever Your plan is God, let it happen and let me be at peace with whatever it is." I realize that I'm sharing my morning and a glass of sweet tea with a strong woman of the Lord. I'm being taught a huge lesson from a complete stranger. God really is working in a mysterious and random way to show me something.
Since we found out about Eric's deployment back in March, I have, quite honestly, prayed that something would change and that it would get cancelled. It sounds so silly and like a dumb prayer. I prayed even after Eric got his official orders that something would happen and that they wouldnt have to go. I prayed that I'd be able to go with him for all 6 months and that didn't work out... so I got mad at God. Once I went to the pre-deployment family meeting about a month ago, I realized that like it or not, this was happening. I was mad and overwhelmed with so much emotion. The way I started interpreting things was like God and I were sitting on the sidelines together, both bummed out and feeling defeated, watching all the deployment preparation start. Like I had put myself on His level. Like there was nothing either of us (me or God) could do about it. (So dumb.) But today something different and very real hit me while talking to Lesa. I never once have prayed for God's will to be done through all of this. I havent really truly prayed that something good would come of it. I've prayed that God's will would be the same as my will. I've prayed that I would have peace at heart while Eric as gone (i.e. that I wouldnt miss him too much and that I wouldnt cry anymore) but I never once prayed or even understood "God, this is your will and I WANT YOUR WILL. and Lord, HELP give me peace to be able to submit to your will."
God has such a huge plan for Eric and I's life together. Like, SO huge. and from scripture I know that its a good and amazing plan to give us a GOOD life. I feel like honestly, I've never really truly WANTED God's will for my life unless it was in accordance with what I thought it should be. Without submitting to Jesus and truly wanting Him to take over my life, my prayer life becomes somewhat selfish and empty. And I'm really realizing now how much it's really effected me. Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans... ;)
Today I met a woman and we randomly got to talking. I told her of my recent wedding and that Eric was leaving for Japan and a shortened version of my recent life. As we got deeper into talking, she told me the story of how she'd lost both of her parents in a car accident when she was 16. She also told me about some other horrorific things that she has been through in her 55 years of life and as she's talking, she starts crying and you can just tell how broken she is. Maybe she's more broken than I can even understand because she has had to deal with so many things and may not have any fulfilling feeling of peace in her life with it all. Then she says "and you know what, Mandie? I wouldnt be the woman I am today and I wouldnt have the strength and hope that I have if I didnt realize that NONE of it has been by my own will.... It's been Jesus. It's HIS strength and HIS provision and HIS will." She goes on to tell me how prayer isnt about praying for what you want to happen and praying for God to let things go your way or make something easier for you. The heart of your prayer should be "but God, let whatever your WILL is, be done." She wouldnt have survived the inexplainable PAIN and heartbreak and TRIAL of her life without truly submitting and MEANING it when she ended her prayers with "... but whatever Your plan is God, let it happen and let me be at peace with whatever it is." I realize that I'm sharing my morning and a glass of sweet tea with a strong woman of the Lord. I'm being taught a huge lesson from a complete stranger. God really is working in a mysterious and random way to show me something.
Since we found out about Eric's deployment back in March, I have, quite honestly, prayed that something would change and that it would get cancelled. It sounds so silly and like a dumb prayer. I prayed even after Eric got his official orders that something would happen and that they wouldnt have to go. I prayed that I'd be able to go with him for all 6 months and that didn't work out... so I got mad at God. Once I went to the pre-deployment family meeting about a month ago, I realized that like it or not, this was happening. I was mad and overwhelmed with so much emotion. The way I started interpreting things was like God and I were sitting on the sidelines together, both bummed out and feeling defeated, watching all the deployment preparation start. Like I had put myself on His level. Like there was nothing either of us (me or God) could do about it. (So dumb.) But today something different and very real hit me while talking to Lesa. I never once have prayed for God's will to be done through all of this. I havent really truly prayed that something good would come of it. I've prayed that God's will would be the same as my will. I've prayed that I would have peace at heart while Eric as gone (i.e. that I wouldnt miss him too much and that I wouldnt cry anymore) but I never once prayed or even understood "God, this is your will and I WANT YOUR WILL. and Lord, HELP give me peace to be able to submit to your will."
God has such a huge plan for Eric and I's life together. Like, SO huge. and from scripture I know that its a good and amazing plan to give us a GOOD life. I feel like honestly, I've never really truly WANTED God's will for my life unless it was in accordance with what I thought it should be. Without submitting to Jesus and truly wanting Him to take over my life, my prayer life becomes somewhat selfish and empty. And I'm really realizing now how much it's really effected me. Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans... ;)
Monday, October 3, 2011
Encouragment
This morning at church, Brandon, our new head pastor, continued his Relationships series with a sermon for Wives. It was an incredible sermon and it brought me to tears. (if you have a spare 40 minutes, please listen to his Wife sermon here or listen to his sermon on husbands from last week which really opens your eyes to what God wants men to be ;) http://www.commonwealthchapel.com/series/relationships/
Anyway, a lot of his sermon was directed towards encouragment and encouraging your husband. I think its something that I could really work on especially with the deployment. I find myself get bitter and a little bit resentful when I hear from Eric sometimes. I know he's having a good time with the boys and I mostly just feel alone here. I'm definitely jealous... Envious that he's handling this so much better than me. But then I think and realize that I need to be so much more encouraging for him. I need to show him with my words now more than ever that I love him and that I'm supporting him and that I'm genuinely happy as long as he is happy. I need to uplift him with my words because for the next 6 months all we have is talking. Whether on skype or texts or whatever... my words mean a lot more when they're all I have. I want to encourage him and make my words sincere and important to us growing while he's gone. Men get shot down enough and they have enough crap to go through of their own... they should be able to come home (or call) their wife and hear sweet words from her that make their days worthwhile. I want to be this for Eric and I will work a lot harder to be better at making everyday have some sort of encouragment for him. Because I love him with all my heart and, even when its hard for me, I want this next 6 months to be easy for him.
Anyway, a lot of his sermon was directed towards encouragment and encouraging your husband. I think its something that I could really work on especially with the deployment. I find myself get bitter and a little bit resentful when I hear from Eric sometimes. I know he's having a good time with the boys and I mostly just feel alone here. I'm definitely jealous... Envious that he's handling this so much better than me. But then I think and realize that I need to be so much more encouraging for him. I need to show him with my words now more than ever that I love him and that I'm supporting him and that I'm genuinely happy as long as he is happy. I need to uplift him with my words because for the next 6 months all we have is talking. Whether on skype or texts or whatever... my words mean a lot more when they're all I have. I want to encourage him and make my words sincere and important to us growing while he's gone. Men get shot down enough and they have enough crap to go through of their own... they should be able to come home (or call) their wife and hear sweet words from her that make their days worthwhile. I want to be this for Eric and I will work a lot harder to be better at making everyday have some sort of encouragment for him. Because I love him with all my heart and, even when its hard for me, I want this next 6 months to be easy for him.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
really Pandora?
I just left Pandora playing while I took Kobe on a walk. I came back and started getting ready for bed and, ofcourse, thought about Eric and how much I miss him already. Then this song came on...
and as I realized what song it was, I thought for sure I should go turn it off because surely I will break out in a fit of tears. But, oddly, it made me smile... and it felt good. even if for just a split second. :)
and as I realized what song it was, I thought for sure I should go turn it off because surely I will break out in a fit of tears. But, oddly, it made me smile... and it felt good. even if for just a split second. :)
hmmm....
I know this is taken out of biblical context buuuuut I think America should think about adding this law......
Deuteronomy 24:5 ~ "A newly married man must not be drafter into the army or be given any other official responsibilities. He must be free to spend time at home, bringing happiness to the wife he has married."
just sayin'....
Deuteronomy 24:5 ~ "A newly married man must not be drafter into the army or be given any other official responsibilities. He must be free to spend time at home, bringing happiness to the wife he has married."
just sayin'....
he's gone.
ugh... what. a. weekend.
Eric left on Saturday. Enough said, really. I'm full of sadness and I'm freaking terrified. Sometimes it feels like I'm totally fine and 6 months will fly by and I feel full of hope. And then something comes over me and I start freaking out and getting upset and realizing that day-to-day life for 6 months does not go by fast. ESPECIALLY without Eric.
Eric is already in Quantico getting ready and training to leave for Okinawa. I can tell he's so excited. I know hes there having fun with his friends and other Marines. I know he's talking about how fun and cool Okinawa will be and how he can't wait to get there and start his new temporary life. It would be selfish of me to say that I wish he wasnt excited. Deep down I am SO happy that he's taking this transition so easily and that he's excited for this change. Which is why I'm fighting like hell to be happy too. Because I'm not taking this transition as easily as he is. Because I'm not talking to my friends about how fun the next 6 months will be. And all of this just makes me feel that much more alone. I feel alone physically, and alone emotionally too. I know Eric will miss me and I know he loves me and I know that he knows being apart will be hard. I know this is so much harder for me than it is for him and it's an awfully isolated feeling. I need to uplift him and be positive and not cry and not show my emotions too much... for HIM. I need to love him and be happy for him. Even when it feels terrible and lonely.
Please, Lord.... help this to get easier. Help me to love Eric enough to be happy for him and excited for his new experiences. Help me to need him less and need You more. But still love Eric the same and show it through my support and optimism. and Lord, help me to not be so terrified.
Eric left on Saturday. Enough said, really. I'm full of sadness and I'm freaking terrified. Sometimes it feels like I'm totally fine and 6 months will fly by and I feel full of hope. And then something comes over me and I start freaking out and getting upset and realizing that day-to-day life for 6 months does not go by fast. ESPECIALLY without Eric.
Eric is already in Quantico getting ready and training to leave for Okinawa. I can tell he's so excited. I know hes there having fun with his friends and other Marines. I know he's talking about how fun and cool Okinawa will be and how he can't wait to get there and start his new temporary life. It would be selfish of me to say that I wish he wasnt excited. Deep down I am SO happy that he's taking this transition so easily and that he's excited for this change. Which is why I'm fighting like hell to be happy too. Because I'm not taking this transition as easily as he is. Because I'm not talking to my friends about how fun the next 6 months will be. And all of this just makes me feel that much more alone. I feel alone physically, and alone emotionally too. I know Eric will miss me and I know he loves me and I know that he knows being apart will be hard. I know this is so much harder for me than it is for him and it's an awfully isolated feeling. I need to uplift him and be positive and not cry and not show my emotions too much... for HIM. I need to love him and be happy for him. Even when it feels terrible and lonely.
Please, Lord.... help this to get easier. Help me to love Eric enough to be happy for him and excited for his new experiences. Help me to need him less and need You more. But still love Eric the same and show it through my support and optimism. and Lord, help me to not be so terrified.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
so dag'on sweet!
Last night, Eric and I came home from our last dinner together to find an envelope from his sister, Gretchen! Inside were the sweetest, cutest, little cards that Gretchen had her 5 babies make for their Uncle Eric and a really sweet card from her and Brian. We opened the envelope and found all ther little hand prints in red, white and blue and all their sweet little words wishing Eric the best of luck over in Japan. It brought tears to my eyes instantly just thinking of how sweet my new little nephews are and how much they love their Uncle Eric. Gretchen truly is the most amazing mom... She is so caring and so thoughtful and so, so loving. I hope Eric and I are as good of parents as her and Brian are. I'm so lucky to have them as my sister and brother-in-law.
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