his will

Things have been better for me. This past Saturday was a week since Eric left and I actually got to spend it with him! They had a family day picnic in Quantico and it was so much fun! I brought Kobe with me and she really remembered her daddy and was jumping and playing all over him.  The weather was beautiful and God just gave us another amazing day together.  Seeing Eric walking down the path at the park towards me was such a great feeling.  I know it's only been a week but it felt way longer and being back in his arms felt SO so amazing.  We got to spend Saturday together and most of Sunday before I had to bring him back to his camp which is always a yucky feeling.  But for the first time on Saturday, I almost forgot about Japan.  It wasnt the first thing in all my thought processes and I just simply enjoyed time with Eric and his other friends from his Unit and their families.  I just had fun and I didnt think about Japan and upcoming deployment.  It was a good feeling and I have no doubt that it was God giving me peace about his will for what was about to happen in our lives.

Today I met a woman and we randomly got to talking.  I told her of my recent wedding and that Eric was leaving for Japan and a shortened version of my recent life.  As we got deeper into talking, she told me the story of how she'd lost both of her parents in a car accident when she was 16.  She also told me about some other horrorific things that she has been through in her 55 years of life and as she's talking, she starts crying and you can just tell how broken she is.  Maybe she's more broken than I can even understand because she has had to deal with so many things and may not have any fulfilling feeling of peace in her life with it all.  Then she says "and you know what, Mandie?  I wouldnt be the woman I am today and I wouldnt have the strength and hope that I have if I didnt realize that NONE of it has been by my own will.... It's been Jesus. It's HIS strength and HIS provision and HIS will."  She goes on to tell me how prayer isnt about praying for what you want to happen and praying for God to let things go your way or make something easier for you.  The heart of your prayer should be "but God, let whatever your WILL is, be done."  She wouldnt have survived the inexplainable PAIN and heartbreak and TRIAL of her life without truly submitting and MEANING it when she ended her prayers with "... but whatever Your plan is God, let it happen and let me be at peace with whatever it is."  I realize that I'm sharing my morning and a glass of sweet tea with a strong woman of the Lord.  I'm being taught a huge lesson from a complete stranger.  God really is working in a mysterious and random way to show me something.

Since we found out about Eric's deployment back in March, I have, quite honestly, prayed that something would change and that it would get cancelled. It sounds so silly and like a dumb prayer.  I prayed even after Eric got his official orders that something would happen and that they wouldnt have to go. I prayed that I'd be able to go with him for all 6 months and that didn't work out... so I got mad at God.  Once I went to the pre-deployment family meeting about a month ago, I realized that like it or not, this was happening.  I was mad and overwhelmed with so much emotion.  The way I started interpreting things was like God and I were sitting on the sidelines together, both bummed out and  feeling defeated, watching all the deployment preparation start. Like I had put myself on His level.  Like there was nothing either of us (me or God) could do about it. (So dumb.)  But today something different and very real hit me while talking to Lesa.  I never once have prayed for God's will to be done through all of this.  I havent really truly prayed that something good would come of it. I've prayed that God's will would be the same as my will.  I've prayed that I would have peace at heart while Eric as gone (i.e. that I wouldnt miss him too much and that I wouldnt cry anymore)  but I never once prayed or even understood "God, this is your will and I WANT YOUR WILL. and Lord, HELP give me peace to be able to submit to your will." 

God has such a huge plan for Eric and I's life together.  Like, SO huge. and from scripture I know that its a good and amazing plan to give us a GOOD life.  I feel like honestly, I've never really truly WANTED God's will for my life unless it was in accordance with what I thought it should be.  Without submitting to Jesus and truly wanting Him to take over my life, my prayer life becomes somewhat selfish and empty.  And I'm really realizing now how much it's really effected me.  Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans... ;)