more Japan

Hi!  I hope everyones Christmas was as special and wonderful as ours was!  The past week as FLOWN by for us and we have been enjoying every minute of it :)  Here are some of the things that we've been up to.  (p.s. I have about a thousand pictures of all this stuff which I will upload once I get home :)

Ziplining!  This past Monday we went down to the bottom of the island to a place called Forest Adventure Park.  We hopped on a shuttle where they took us to literally a giant jungle up a mountain.  They strapped us into some very tight harnesses (poor boys...) and we were given a mini-tutorial (mostly spoken in Japanese... so not safe...) on hooking yourself up to the zipline and etc.  Then, you were on your own!  (Note: Japanese are very laidback. Unlike America, for sure.  Literally, they showed us for about 10 minutes how to hook yourself up to these ziplines and then they just let you go through the entire course without another guide in sight throughout the whole thing.  SHOCKED that no one has fell off or died yet honestly.)  Anyway, the first zipline took a bit of coaxing from Eric for me to actually step off and let go (he has some awesome pictures of me almost in tears).  When I finally lept off the ledge, the adrenaline rush was INSANE and I couldnt wait to go on the next one and the next one.  We were literally ziplining over 200feet above the ground which was a beautiful green jungle.  After a series of about 7 ziplines, there is an obstacle course to do that is also about 200 FEET UP in the air.  It consisted of: a 100 foot free-fall drop hanging onto a Tarzan swing that threw you into this massive net, you then climbed UP the net to a ledge where you walked across swinging planks of wood to the next ledge. Then, you balanced yourself and walked across another wobbly net, to another ledge of skinny little swinging planks to walk across, which brought you to another ledge that you climbed up a wiggly rope ladder to an even HIGHER ledge, where you ziplined yourself back down to the ground into a pile of woodchips. The ONLY thing that got me through THAT was the sign "FINISH". Just get me to that sign! 
All in all though, it was an incredible experience. Something that I will always be able to say that I did all by myself.  It was absolutely crazy and I cant even explain the rush you get from it. 
Worst part of this experience:  The Japanese speaking guide giving a tutorial in Japanese on how to not die. Then in broken English saying: "you not do right, you die."  uhhh.........

Bases!  Tuesday we went to Camp Hansen (the Marine Corps base that Eric is stationed at) and Kadena Air Force base (the BIG base with the mall and restaurants and all the planes and jets).  I loved walking around Erics base and being able to piece together in my head where Eric spends his days, eats lunch, where he works, where he is when we skype, and all that.  It was fun to see his little temporary home.  His base in all reality is sort of a crap hole. haha  Its just a bunch of concrete buildings that look like little prisons.  But in a way it's sort of home-y and makes you feel really proud when you see all the Marines in their camoflauge work outfits walking around with a sense of pride.  It was really neat to be on base. However, you must also remember that these guys havent seen a girl in like 4 months so Eric did a great job of holding my hand and making it known that I was NOT available after all the stares I was getting. haha! Poor guys! Kadena was awesome too.  Its just HUGE and as soon as you get on base you just hear this roar of jets over you and there are planes flying everywhere.  Its a really nice base and we actually got to eat at the Chili's there that they have on base which Eric was SO excited about because, honestly, Japanese food has proved to be quite a problem.

The food! sweet baby Jesus, feeding ourselves has been the hardest thing about this whole trip! (and the most amusing). I'm already a litttttle bit of a picky eater so going into restaurants and seeing Sea Urchin and Slop on the menu has been ROUGH. Not to mention even the McDonalds tastes weird and Japanese-y!  The rootbeer has soy sauce in it! haha! it's just been quite an adventure finding places to eat that have a more normal palette. I've tried some new things though and I'm getting used to it little by little!  One night we went to this super authentic Japanese place and that was SUCH a cool experience.  It was a hole in the wall, and we walked in and they made you take your shoes off at the door.  Then they brought you to a little table where you sat on the ground.  Luckily they had menus that were in English (as most places do, so thats nice) and we ended up eating SO GOOD!  They had steak, and fried rice, and shrimp, and chicken... it was fantastic.  They did not have forks however, so our chopsticks skills have improved greatly as well!  Monday night we went to a Steak and Lobster house and that was awesome too. It was right on the water and we watched the sun go down while we ate like Kings. :)  The only thing that I havent gotten since being here is sushi! Which is so ironic!  but everywhere that we have found sushi doesn't quite have california rolls on the menu and looks like a slab of raw fish on a plate. Weird and unappetizing.

Aquarium!  We went to the Aquarium last week which was SO cool.  Its not ANYTHING like an aquarium in the states.  They had CRAZY different creatures that I have never seen before. and... they had WHALES. We walked down a flight of stairs after seeing some of the most odd looking tropical fish Ive ever seen and in this massive tank were these HUGE stingrays, and manta rays, and then 2 massive, massive whales. just WAIT until you see the pictures of these things.  Just you wait. 

gah! There is SO much more stuff to blog about but it will have to wait because I'm hungry and need to find some food. haha Love you all and Im SO excited to fill you in on everything else we've been doing!  Literally every single day is an adventure and its been a once in a lifetime experience.  As expected, though, being with Eric has been the best part of everyday.  He is truly just such an incredible husband and I can't even handle how blessed I am to have him and be near him right now. 

Christmas Eve

I just woke up (14 hours ahead of everyone in the US) and it's Christmas Eve!  I woke up and rolled over to see Eric sleeping still, unaware yet that it was Christmas Eve and our first Christmas together was upon us.
Waking up next to Eric the past 3 nights has been surreal.  Everything about this trip has been sort of surreal so far. Seeing Eric in the airport was insane.  Ashley and I walked down the escalator, both of us literally sweating because of the butterflies in our tummies.  We got to baggage claim and saw that behind a big glass wall with glass sliding doors were an abundance of families and people waiting to see their loved ones.  There were surprisingly a lot of military men waiting to see their wives and even kids that had also come to visit them for Christmas.  I now LOVE knowing that on that last long flight to Okinawa there were so many other military wives waiting and getting just as excited and anxious and nervous as I was to see their husbands again.  As our baggage started coming along the conveyor belt, I was just staring out those glass windows hoping and praying to see a glimpse of Eric standing there waiting for me.  At first, Ashley and I didnt see them and figured they were late (we wouldnt have been toooo surprised ;).  But then, after getting our luggage, I looked out and saw the most handsome Marine in the world waiting at the sliding doors with an arm full of flowers.  I could not get through the doors fast enough before dropping my luggage and jumping into his arms.  It was the craziest feeling and rush of excited, anxious emotion that I've ever had.  We didn't say anything for a long time and we just knew.  It felt like we were just meeting again sort of. It has only been a little over 3 months since Eric left and I dont think I ever realized how much I missed him until I was back with him. It may have only been 3.5 months since he left but its felt so much longer. So meeting him again felt that much better.  There is really no way to describe it. 
But here I am. In Japan with my husband on Christmas Eve, finally.  The last 3 days have been so incredible. Eric won't let go of my hand and I've gotten more forehead kisses and hugs and 'I love you's than I ever have.  We are constantly just feeling so unbelievably blessed to be able to be close to eachother again. The idea of having to leave him again terrifies me but I'm not going to even think about that just yet.  I still have 13 days left with my man.
I will update soon about all the fun we've been having and everything we've been doing! Its 9am here and I'm ready to start my day! Love you guys and have the MERRIEST CHRISTMAS! <3

leaving on a jetplane

ahhhh its here!!!! Right now I am sitting in the airport getting ready to board the plane to Tokyo. I cannot believe that this is all happening now and that after this long flight, I will see my husband and be able to relax in his arms again. I have waited for this for so long! this will be the most memorable and amazing Christmas that we will ever have. I am sitting here just picturing myself getting off that plane, seeing Eric, and sprinting ahead and jumping into his arms. It will be such a special moment. Thank you all SO much for your prayers and love for us. I can truly feel how excited everyone is for us and that really helps us get through the harder moments. I will miss my mommy and family this Christmas but I will start my new year with a kiss from my husband and nothing beats that! ah this is SO surreal. we love you all and we will be missing our families and thinking of you all! everyone have a safe holiday!! Will update the blog when I can so stay tuned! merrrrryyyy Christmas!!!!!!!!

updates and more

So sorry about the lack of posts lately.  There is just so much going on with our little family lately! Christmas, making everyones gifts for Advent Conspiracy, church things, work, spending time with my family, Kobe... and most excitingly--- JAPAN!!!! I am SO excited to go to Japan that I can hardly stand myself. It's only 10 days away!!!!  Ya know when you're a senior and you get "senioritis" and all you can think about is graduation and you just stop caring about school.... Well I have Japanitis.  I've been such a slacker lately and I dont feel bad. haha! ALL I care about is getting to Japan to see my husband! Oh my goodness... Japan, America, or wherever else in the world, as long as I'm with Eric I don't even care! I just want my man and in 10 days I get to snag him back!  Thank you EVERYONE for your constant prayers and support with my upcoming reunion.

Eric is great too! His crazy fevers and shakes are gone and he seems healthy!  His abscess is still gross but it's healing the way it should so thank God! He is now back from the field and back to normal life over there.  I talk to him everyday and sometimes twice a day so I'm blessed too.  God sure does have his hand on this deployment! and on Eric over there serving our country!

I can honestly say that I've been handling things preeeeetty well lately!  The crying has pretty much completely stopped, and the sadness and bitterness is subdued as well.  I've just been happy and very hopeful about my marriage and this obstacle that the Lord has put in front of me.  Jesus knew all along that I could handle this and with his love and grace I've been able to use this whole experience to better myself and grow.  It feels so good. Now, who knows how I'll feel coming HOME from Japan.  Saying goodbye again might be even harder than the first time but atleast I'm coming back in 2012, a whole new year, and Eric will be home in just 5 more short-ish months. :)

Something that stinks:
The worst kind of good dream is one that he is home and we're together.  I took a nap earlier this morning and I swear he was home.  The storyline wasn't very exciting but there was dialogue, and eye contact, and laughing.  It was literally the first warm feeling I've had since he left.  It was so vivid.  I woke up to the sound of the TV and tried SO hard to go back to sleep! I didnt want it to end.  It sounds silly but it really felt so real and it felt so good.  I woke up, realized I was laying on my couch alone, Kobe asleep on the other couch, and my husband 14 hours ahead of me asleep in his bed on the other side of the world. And then I felt reeeeally alone. :-/

Something that doesn't stink:
Tomorrow I'm having lunch with my wonderful mother-in-law and then I get to spend time with my sister and brother-on-law and my nephews and niece! Although Eric isn't here and it was all just a dream, I still feel closer to him everytime I'm with his family.  So I do get to feel a little bit of him again tomorrow :)

Something else that doesn't stink:
To any other military girlfriend, wife, or whoever-- just know that I pray for you every single night.  Not just saying that-- I really do.  This Christmas season is hard and I am blessed that I'll get to see my husband. So for those of you who will be missing your Soldiers this Christmas, I can't even tell you how much my heart goes out to you.  You are stronger than you know and I truly hope that being with family and friends you will have the peace at heart and joy that this season is supposed to bring. I will continue to pray for you.  I think we military wives are some of the strongest women that God makes. :)  “God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain."  - C.S. Lewis  

:)

haha so cute

This music video makes me laugh a little but it really is EXACTLY how days feel for me sometimes.  Like everything is going wrong or everything is a little harder (especially with my job)... and then I remember that soon Ill get to see Eric and soon he'll be home to me and I love him and he'll hold me and everything will just be perfect again. :)

makes me tear up everytime.

praying for all the soldiers who won't be with their families this Christmas.  

our Marine is falling apart!

what a week for poor, sweet Eric!

First, the boy finds out that he has an abscess on his back. and by abscess I mean he has a hole that is about 2 inches deep on his back. Literally, like, a HOLE.  He must have had a cut or something that got infected and after being rushed to the hospital, they dug out his infection with a scalpel, stuffed his gaping hole with gauze, put him on an antibiotic and sent him off!  Well he has to go back to the hospital every other day to get his gauze changed and its just quite a hassle!
WELL, yesterday morning he wakes up and his legs are covered in a rash! And he keeps having hot flashes and cold flashes and all these problems. So now he's back at the hospital AGAIN!

Please pray for my handsome husband... I just want him healthy and happy for when I get there and then I'll take care of him and everything he needs :)

Thanksgiving

"My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving."  -Colossians 2:6-7

... Enough said, right? 

Today was SUCH a great day. I had SO much fun with my family and I really caught myself looking around and laughing and noticing how much I really had to be thankful for.  It was an incredible day.  Only sour feeling all day was the slight pang in my stomach everytime I'd think of how much I missed Eric and how things just aren't complete without him.  I miss him everyday but holidays are definitely the worst.  I can only be this much more thankful that we'll get to spend Christmas together.  

I also really wanted to go to Eric's Callahan side of the family today to visit with them but it didn't work out.  Eric and his family usually go about 90minutes away to his moms side of the family to celebrate Thanksgiving and I had hoped that I could go there for a bit and then drive back to be with my family but the distance/the risk of traffic made that impossible :(  But next year, Eric and I are ready to go to the Callahans and celebrate with them so I can't wait to be apart of their tradition and grow closer to his family!

Sadly, Eric didnt get much of a Thanksgiving :-/   I talked to him a bit and he said that they had a pretty slack day but he didn't completely get off work so the day was pretty uneventful and he was pretty sad about that.  I know how much he LOVES Thanksgiving and wanted to be with his family this year so I was really sad for him.

Things I am especially thankful for this year:

1) Obviously, my gracious and Holy Lord Jesus.  He has blessed me more than ever this year through His provisions and His love.

2) My perfect husband.  I honestly did now know it was possible to love another person as much as I love Eric.  I am just blown away when I think of how undeserving I am of a man like Eric and how thankful I am to God for sending me such an incredible husband.

3) my family and my NEW family!  ugh... I could go on forever about my amazing family.

4) my wedding. It sounds silly but my wedding was just perfect and I couldnt have planned everything without my mom and aunt Lacy and my friends.  I'm just so thankful that, to me, I had the most beautiful, perfect wedding and I wouldnt have changed a thing.  It was the happiest day of my life by far. 

5)my new puppy! She's crazy but I love her.

AND SO MUCH MORE! but those are the five that came to mind right away. 

Anyway, hope everyone had as wonderful of a Thanksgiving as I did! 

Advent Conspiracy

I feel so inclined to tell everyone I know about Advent Conspiracy. It's such a great thing to do and I know it'd feel so good to give back in this way.  AND it's way more fun. AND it forces you to get in touch with your crafty side. AND it's more memorable. AND so many more things.
Here is the short Advent Conspiracy promo video (again) to watch if you don't know what I'm talking about:

I won't say that it's not a sacrifice because it is. It's supposed to be. ESPECIALLY if you have kids I think.  They might not understand why they are getting half the gifts as usual or why you are spending half the amount you usually would but I think it's worth it.  Plan a big family day or a big family craft day where you all make everyones gift.  Give the gift of quality time instead of toys and clothes and etc. Take someone to lunch for their Christmas gift from you. There are SO many ideas. Then the money that we WOULD have spent on gifts and etc., give it to people who NEED it.  There are a ton of churches that participate in Advent Conspiracy finding a few good causes or needs around the world and vowing to help- and that's our part.  If you'd like to know more please just ask or google it further.  It's a huge thing we can do. It's Christmas for goodness sake. It's the season of ADVENT.

(random fact:  The estimated cost to SOLVE world thirst- make clean water available to the entire world- is 20 Billion dollars.  450 Billion dollars is spent on Christmas every year. EVERY. YEAR. Something to think about...)

With that being said, here's a little something to put you back in the fun Christmas spirit! You're welcome. :)

hahahahaahaha Eric will not be happy...

Things that have gone Girly since Eric left

1. Kobe used to have plain clear food/water bowls... Now they are pink.

2. The bathroom counter used to be clean and organized... Now it's scattered with make-up and hair things.

3. Saturday's DVR schedule used to be booked up with College Football games... Now it's full of re-runs of wedding shows and Real Housewives.

4. Our bedroom floor used to be picked up daily... Now there are clothes and shoes everywhere.

5. We used to have plain gray sheets... That bored me and now they are pink.

6. Our house candles used to be scents like "Clean Linen" and "Forest Rain"... Those have now been replaced with candles called "Flirtatious" and "Berry Kiss".

7. Kobe used to just be a white fluffy dog... Now she is a white fluffy dog with more clothes and accessories than me.

8. Our dining room table used to be for, well, dining.... Now it is my craft and sewing table.

9. Our walk-in closet used to hold both of our wardrobes... Now it holds mine. And Eric's things are folded nicely in drawers until he gets back. (what? I needed more room!)

10. A recent bathroom flood ruined all of our towels so I had to buy a few new ones... A few pink new ones.

hehe... oops? Love you honey! ;)

Eric's song to me

so sweet. I love my husband so much.

hello optimism!

Eric is currently somewhere in Japan out in the field until the 21st... I think. And it sure does stink.  We spoke on Saturday morning over BBM and he told me he was going out to the field for about 10 days and surprisingly, I was fine with it!  I knew we wouldnt be able to talk and I knew I wouldnt know where he was or what he was doing, but I was oddly okay! (Although in all honesty, it has proved to be hard not talking to Eric the past 3 days... I really miss even just texting him. I need to remember not to take all the times we CAN talk for granted in the future, because not talking is pretty hard.) Anyway, it then hit me that I feel like I'm officially letting myself be okay with this deployment and not hating life so much.  It's about time, right?  I layed in bed thinking that maybe I've just grown used to this now.  I have LOVED that I've pretty much gotten to talk to Eric everyday since this deployment started... But maybe it's not that this whole thing has gotten easier, it's just that I've gotten better at handling it.  Yes- I miss him and wish he was home, but it's okay that he's not.  I have great people surrounding me here and I have the rest of my life to share with Eric and I'm so proud of him and what he is doing for our country that it overwhelms me! This weekend was the first weekend that I was truly just SO happy and felt SO hopeful.  Time is already going by pretty fast, I get to go to Japan for Christmas and see Eric which will break up the deployment, and then he is home mid-April! And biggest reason of ALL for my newfound optimism:  HE LOVES ME! and I love him! Eric and I got married and chose to spend our lives together because we love eachother and because we know God has this outstanding plan for our marriage.  I have nothing to worry about except my own fears driving me to insanity.  Eric is an incredible man and he is my HUSBAND and I'm the luckiest girl in the world for that and nothing can change that fact.  My marriage is solid and my relationship with Eric is exactly where it should be and we have Jesus at our core--- so what do I have to be afraid of? I feel like I've taken a breath of fresh air and I am finally choosing to be happy and be optimistic and give this whole thing up to God so he can do something great with it.

Phew! Rant over! ;)

Eric's family

Yesterday was our nephew, Bryce's, 7th birthday!  I had the privilege to go over Brian and Gretchen's house with my mama and daddy-in-law to celebrate with Bryce and all the kids and it was so much fun!  I absolutely love my new family and I have loved spending so much time with them recently.  On Saturday I joined Brian and Gretchen and the kids at Grants football game and, even though they lost, I was so proud of Grant and his team and how hard that little boy has worked this year.  I really have loved getting to go to a few of Grants football games.  Mostly because seeing Grant in all his pads and uniform just tickles me... they are the cutest.  Saturday night I got to babysit Max and Neveah and take them to Stony Point for the lighting of the big Christmas tree... and they just make me so happy because of what perfect children they are and how silly they can be.  I was just constantly surrounded by the sweetest kids this weekend!
I thought after Eric left that it might be hard spending time with his family.  I was scared that I might start to pull away because being with them just makes me think of Eric more and I'm always wishing that he were there, joining in on the memories that we're making, which in turn makes me a little sad. Though, he is constantly in my thoughts so I like to think that he's there in spirit, through my heart.  The most heart-breaking thing is thinking that Claire, Davis and possibly Max and Neveah won't remember Eric when he gets back.  The thought is literally making my eyes fill up with tears.  I know they will get to know him and grow close with him again but it just breaks my heart to think about because Eric loves his nephews and niece and Max and Neveah more than I think anyone knows.  He really gets such joy out of being around kids and playing with them... I know one day he will be a great daddy. ;)  Anyway, I'd say that I proved myself wrong.  Being around Eric's family doesnt make me more sad or make me miss him more... it makes me more proud and more grateful that I married an amazing man who happens to have an incredible family.  Last night, as I was playing a card game with my new nephews, it just hit me so hard how blessed I am to have this new addition of family.
I gained a lot more than just an incredible husband when I married Eric. And that overwhelms me with joy and comfort.

Random Acts of Kindness

So, this year for Christmas, since Eric isn't here, I'm all alone for Advent Conspiracy. (if you don't know what Advent Conspiracy is, click here and watch this super short promo so youll know what I'm talking about....  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVqqj1v-ZBU ... now that you've watched it, dont you want to do that too?? Spend half of your usual amount on gifts, and give the rest to help the world!)

ANYWAY, this is Eric and I's second year of doing Advent Conspiracy together and it feels so good.  This year I'm attempting to hand-make everyones gift and putting my craftiness to the ultimate test.  However, I thought maybe I should do more this year.  I'm alone and have more time on my hands than usual and I just thought there is no better Christmas to really give back and focus on generosity.  I definitely feel like God has been tugging at my heart a bit about this. 

SO, for every day this Advent season, I'm going to do one really cool Random Act of Christmas Kindness.  Here are some ideas I have so far:
-Grocery shopping for the sole purpose to put it in the Food For Families box in the doorway
- Donating candy filled stockings to a less fortunate elementary school
- donate toys for Toys for Tots
- donate old books to a library in need

I have to think up 20 more... if you have any ideas let me know!  This Christmas Season should be all about loving others and sharing God's love. (well, every Christmas season should be... but I'm making it happen this year. I'm determined!)

Tears

I found this story and I just thought it was incredible.  Lately I've obviously been so emotional and things have been hard and I think that I've cried more the past couple months than ever in my life.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve and it's hard for me to cover them up.  But I think this story really explains a woman well and why it's never okay to become cold or insensitive to our tears.  When a woman cries it's from something deeper than we can explain sometimes and it should never be looked at insensitively or cold.

"A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?” “Because I’m a woman,” she told him. “I don’t understand,” he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, “And you never will.” Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?” “All women cry for no reason,” was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, “God, why do women cry so easily?” God said, “When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.” “You see my son,” said God, “the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

busybusybusy

I have been the busiest little bee lately! Work is hectic and Kobe is a lot of work too.  And my friends love me and are always around trying to keep me busy and happy. And I'm just working on surrounding myself with family and things that I love.
Kobe got spayed yesterday and she's just the sweetest most cuddly little baby girl! She was so sad last night and I could tell she was in pain.  I put all the couch cushions on the floor and made us a big bed so that I could lay with her all night.  She's just so pathetic and sweet right now. She needs her mama. ;)
I realized something this week that made me so excited........ WE GET TO MAKE A CHRISTMAS CARD THIS YEAR!!! Eric and I are our own little family now so we get to send Christmas cards :)  I always had so much fun sending Christmas cards with my family and making them cute and festive so I'm so excited that Eric and I get our own this year!  I'm hoping for some great creative idea to come to me so be expecting a fun Christmas card from the new Mr and Mrs this holiday :)
Eric is doing great.  They just got to their training location last week and they will be there for a while. Luckily there are a few places with wifi on base so I can talk to him now and again.  He is getting used to life over there but we are missing eachother a lot.  Time is surprisingly not going by as slow as I thought and I'm getting used to life without Eric here.  My fear was always that we would forget eachother in a sense and kind of live separate lives but we have been doing such a great job of talking as much as possible and keeping eachother in parts of every day.  He loves me so much and he tells me everyday.  We are going to be SUCH a strong couple after this.
I'm so looking forward to Christmas.  Not just because I'll be spending it in Japan with my boy but because Christmas just puts me in such a good mood!  I bought the Justin Beiber Christmas CD soooo that makes everything better as well.  But with the fall weather and Christmas lights already going up everywhere I'm just so excited to start a season of Jesus and love and generosity and joy!

sweetest nephews (and niece) ever

LOOK AT MY FRIDGE!! Going to my fridge to get anything these days makes me SO happy!  My 4 little nephews have been making and sending cards and letters to the house for me and it makes me feel so loved. They are the cutest, most thoughtful kids (with the sweetest mama and the best dad).  Last week I stopped by their house with lots of Halloween treats for each of the kids and I just realized how much I love being in that house and seeing my new sister and brother-in-law and their kids... they will always put the sweetest smile on my face :)  I can't get enough of how sweet and perfect my family has been through all of this.... and especially Brian and Gretchen and they're 5 amazing little babes :)

ONE MONTH DOWN!/NEWS!

Hi November! You came so soon... and I'll be happy to see you go as well.  1) because it'll be even closer to my trip to Japan to see E and 2) because it's one month closer to this whole experience being over!
Heres the latest on our favorite Marine:  (note that I cant give many details about certain things for safety reasons and confidentiality)
E is over there living the life! haha  He's on a permanent vacation in a beautiful, beautiful country.  He says that the base pretty much looks the same as one youd see in the US but outside those gates are just gorgeous green mountains and crystal clear blue ocean.  (I have pictures he sent that I will post soon :)  His job seems to be something he enjoys besides waking up at 4:30am every morning to go on runs and other physically agonizing things... He is a great man solely for waking up that early and doing it. Ugh! He is also taking a martial arts class on his downtime which seems really fun for him! He will be a gray belt after this class (whatever that means).  He is having such a good attitude though and is being so sweet to me and understanding the hardships that this has brought.  He goes to the library in the mornings and evenings to text me and skype me and he's just been so great.  He gives me all the hope I need that things are going to work out just fine and that he loves me more than anyone could imagine.
As for me, still good days and bad days.  We are 1/6th of the way done though and I just love and miss my husband!  Things are better though and all the amazing people in my life are keeping me busy!  and God is certainly providing! :)

Some pics from the past month (more to come!) :

That's my girl! She loves her Cowboys jersey....

..... but Daddy hated it. So I had to appease him. Ugh.

Making Eric a big blanket to send for part of his birthday present :)

I made this for Eric to put up in his room. Hope he likes it and it's not too girly :-/ haha

I've been crafting a lot! Here's some invitations I made for my moms companys Halloween Party :)  I've also made some clothes, a bunch of hairbows, a couple door wreaths and a couple little cosmetic bags... I'm obsessed with my sewing machine and doing fun things!

at Eric's nephew, Grant's, football game!  They are SO cute with their little pads and jerseys with their names on the back! Eric is so sad he's missing out on watching Grants first season playing football.  But his team is doing great and I love watching them play!  (his last name is Little- number 33 I think :)

Bye October!  It was a rough month but still had it's blessings and good times!

Seasons of Marriage

This morning at church, Brandon, our pastor, made a comment about Seasons of life.  God said in the bible that there will be different seasons in life; some filled with more openness, hope, and happiness and some filled with distance, dissatisfaction and discouragement.  I immediately started looking at this concept as pertaining to my marriage.  Relationships are constantly in a state of transition and naturally, marriages will go through different seasons. It doesn't mean that it's healthy for a marriage to be "stuck" in a certain season and it never should because there is always room for progress.
Eric and I are definitely seeing the different seasons in marriages and we've experienced atleast a glimpse of each season, I think.  I'd say an "Autumn" season in marriage is one of uncertainty.  Maybe on the outside things look great but on the inside, things are falling apart.  Apprehension is setting in; sadness or disengaging emotionally.  I'd say that since this deployment has started, I've felt a lot of that. Just feeling distant- literally and emotionally. I think that a Fall season of marriage is the most dangerous.  But this doesn't mean that my marriage has to transition into the coldness of winter, though.  SOOO, I've decided to go straight to Springtime. :)  Filled with hope and optimism and gratitude and love and trust.  It's a time of new beginnings and open flow of communication.  This is something that I have to do- I have to be in this mindset for the rest of this deployment. The bible reassures us that there is always hope.  We need to let his love surround our marriage and encourage both Eric and I that better days are ahead. :)

"We put our hope in the Lord.  He is our help and our shield.  In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.  Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone."  - Psalm 33:20-22

an open love letter

Sweet amazing husband,
Though I know that the odds of this are slim, can you feel how much my heart is reaching out to you today?  I know you're asleep right now, but can you feel the pounding ache in my heart?  Not aching for my own want to be with you and touch you, but aching for you feel the same thing and somehow for me to feel comfort and not feel so alone.  Can you feel that stretching achy feeling?  Do you feel the "somethings missing" feeling? The one that tells you life goes on but at the same time life doesnt go on when everyday is consumed by the same thoughts of the other person.  


I am sorry that my expectations for you somehow get twisted.  I know that I weigh you down sometimes with unrealistic demands to try to be the husband that you would be if you were here in person. As your wife, I must concern myself with the role of being your best "FRIEND", because being the same partner and husband as you are in person is not possible for you right now. I will try to walk in you boots a little more everyday.  I will learn to better accept you as God made you, and in that, listen better, encourage better, and give you a break.  I promise that I will not always be good at doing this... but I will try. 


When we go through times of turbulent communication, I'll try not to lose my head.  When there is unresolved conflict, I'll try not to be selfish and impatient.  I will try to accept these rough patches with womanly grace, instead of child-like fear and grief. You will never be able to understand what I am going through back here at home, so I will aim to understand that as well.  Again, I promise I will not always be good at doing this... but I will try.


I am so irreversibly, unbelievably, wholly in love with you.  Though we are not together right now, our marriage has roots. In the winter time, you can't see flowers but you know that underground, their roots are strong and intertwined.  We do not see it, but God is at work there.  He is still growing and sustaining and fortifying. Perhaps that's what God has done in our marriage.  He is at work underground, giving strength to our roots and anchoring them; making a kind of love that will come out of this with a deeper understanding of connection and commitment.  Root with me underground and let's grow another seven months deeper, where nobody can see us.


You have made me realize that I am a soldier of sorts.  I have come to realize that very few women are made of the same cement that military wives are and I have the newest, most passionate, respect for couples like us and for you alone, as a United Stated Marine. 


God made me strong when He made me for you. And when I cant touch you, lie next to you, talk to you, laugh with you, or tell you how much I love you- I will pray for you.


I will never give up, 
your wife

A touching letter from a wife to a military wife

While I have never had the pleasure of meeting you or your husband, I felt the need to write you and express a very deep feeling that I have in my heart.

I, as a person, am not brave. I do not tackle things head on, as I hate confrontation. I will travel 100 miles out of my way just to avoid a conflict. I am an American woman that has no idea what is going on in the military other than what I hear on the news.
I have never had to let go of someone so that they could go fight for people that they didn't know, people that sometimes do not appreciate or understand what they are fighting for.
I have never had a sleepless night of worry because of a report that another bomb has exploded and I still haven't heard from my husband.
I have never had to wait for months on end to hold the one that I loved so.
I have never had to tell my children that daddy wasn't coming home tonight because he was so far away fighting for something that they aren't yet old enough to understand.
I have never had to hold my head high and suppress the tears as I hear that it will be at least another six months of separation before my loved one gets to come home.
I have never had to deal with a holiday away from the one that I thought I would share every day of my life with.
And I have never had to feel the panic rising in my heart at the sound of a ringing phone or knock at the door for fear that it is the news that everyone is terrified of getting.
For the reasons listed above, I can not tell you that I understand how you feel. I can not tell you that you must be strong. I can not say that you shouldn't be angry, because you "knew what you were getting into when you married a military man". I can not say these things because I have never had to walk in your shoes.
What I can say for certain is that because of your unselfish acts of bravery and your husbands willingness to stand up for those who see him as "just another soldier" - - I will never have to walk in your shoes.
I do understand that as a military wife you are expected to uphold a certain amount of control, but I never understood how you could do it, until now. I have figured out that you are not like other women. You are of a special breed. You have a strength within you that holds life together in the darkest of hours, a strength of which I will never possess. The faith you have is what makes you stand out in a crowd; it makes you glow with emotion and swell with pride at the mention of The United States of America.
You are a special lady, a wonderful partner and a glorious American.
I have more respect for your husband than I could ever tell you, but until recently I never thought much about those that the soldier leaves at home during deployment.
Until this moment I could never put into words exactly what America meant to me.
Until this moment, I had no real reason to.... Until I heard of you.
Your husband and his military family hold this nation close, safe from those who wish to hurt us...but you and those like you are the backbone of the American family. You keep the wheels in motion and the hearts alive while most would just break completely down. Military families make this nation what it is today.
You give us all hope and you emit a warming light at the end of a long dark tunnel.
Because of you and your family...I am able to be me. I am able to have my family. I am able to walk free in this great land. Because of you and your family, I can look ahead to the future with the knowledge that life is going to be okay. Because of you and your family, I can awake to a new day, everyday.
I realize that you are a stronger person than I will ever be because of these things and I just wanted to take the time today to say thank you to you and your family for allowing me that freedom.
I will never be able to repay this debt to you, as it is unmatchable. However, I hope that you know that no matter where you are...what you are doing...what has happened today...or what will happen tomorrow...Your husband will NEVER be "just another soldier" to me.... And you, dear sweet lady, will never be forgotten.
You are all in my prayer's everyday and I pray that God will bring you back together with your loved one safely.
May God Bless You.

Japanese!

So since we booked our tickets to Japan, (I'm flying over with one of Eric's friends girlfriends so I wont be so lonely :) I have decided that I'm going to learn some Japanese.  My mama knows some Japanese because she actually lived in Okinawa for a few years of her younger childhood when my grandpa was in the AirForce stationed there.  So mama has been teaching me what she remembers a little bit and I've been youtubing videos. I probably wont get far because this language makes no freakin sense and there is nothing cohesive about it soooo I'll keep yall updated.


For now, heres a super cute picture of Eric and the twins, Max and Neveah, right before he left.  He loves them so much and is always in the other room playing with them when all the adults are in a different room... haha He's going to be such a good daddy one day :)

seven months is a long time left :(  why isn't time going by faster? whywhywhyyy?

wah...

ticket status: BOOKED.

YAYYY! As of yesterday, I am officially booked on a flight to Okinawa to spend Christmas with Eric/visit for a few weeks!!!! Now, for the time being, I'm counting down the days until I get thereeee!!! I'm so excited and I can't wait to spend time with him over where he is.  I'm one of the luckiest girls in the world that I get to visit my husband on deployment.  I cannot wait for this trip and to SEE MY HUSBANDDD!!!

so perfect :)

I loved the vows that Eric and I promised to eachother on our wedding day... but here's Eric's "real" vows. I don't want to lose this so I'm posting it :)


 I will kill the spiders. I will share my fries with you when you’ve finished all yours and are still hungry.  I will feed your tummy when I hear it growl and gurgle, I promise to get up and check for robbers in the middle of the night when the air vents make a noise. I will let you throw away my clothes that you think are ugly... as long as you keep your clothes off the floor. I will eat all the sausages when we order the supreme pizza. I will give you back massages. Even when you tell me you'll give me one in return and I know you probably wont because you'll fall asleep.  I will kiss your papercuts and your clumsy drawer-slammed finger and your counter-bumped hip. I’ll try my hardest not to get annoyed when you whisper questions and comments during movies. I will be the big spoon. and roll over and tell you I love you in your sleep. I will let you win at wrestling. Sometimes. Other times I will not. I will call you beautiful atleast once a day. I will send you random texts and leave you silly gifts. Just whenever I want to, Whenever I think you need one... or seven. I will check your tire pressure. and remind you to take your car in. I will hold your hand. I will love you. I will love you. I will love you.


:)

fear of missing vs. missing

There are good days and bad days. Today was a bad day.  Not only do I have the flu AND strep throat AND I have to go back to work tomorrow, but I missed Eric SO much today. And he's only been gone for 8 days... EIGHT STINKIN' DAYS!!! I was fine until I thought about that.  Until I was lying on the couch this morning and thought "wow, Eric's been gone for so long"... and then I realized he's only been gone for 8 days and I still have like a thousand days to go.  Just kill me.
So, today was the first day I think that it really kicked me in the gut.  When Eric left I was sad knowing that he wouldnt be home for so long, but we'd gone more than a week without seeing eachother before. Its getting to the point now, (and its not even full blown yet), that I will actually START missing him... instead of just the FEAR of missing him.  Booo... all these emotions are insane!  I feel crazy! haha

My joy is in my faith in Jesus though and He has been here for me and SO present lately to make me feel so much comfort.  I may not be happy all the time, but I'm always filled with actual joy (and there is a difference).  I just want my husband back and I want to move forward in our marriage. Happily. Together.

(just one of my favs ;)

Dear Eric,
I thought about you all day...
Tomorrow will be the same.
Love you madly - Mandie

Things I find myself doing since Eric left:

1. Online shopping.  oops...
2. Getting sick. ugh... the stress really takes its toll.
3. Obsessing over my dog like she's a child.
4. Eating Reese's Pieces. non.stop.
5. Bugging my mom to be my friend and come over to play every night.
6. Getting up 30 times in the middle of the night. a) because it's still hard sleeping without Eric and b) because every noise I hear I get paranoid and think someones trying to break in. And since Eric isn't here, I have to get up and check it out.
7. Checking my phone every 8 seconds for a text from Eric
8. Watching more ridiculous TV show series. My DVR is completely full.
9. Watching wedding shows on TLC to remind me of Eric and I's wedding-- when things were a bit happier
10. Sleeping in his t-shirts
11. Staying completely on my side of the bed all night
12. CRAFTING. I've literally been sewing and crafting every single day for hours... Everyone will get the coolest Christmas gifts so be ready.
13. Finding the coolest themed care packages EVER for Eric and planning them out
14. Caring what I look like at 8am because thats when I skype Eric
15. Missing him more than I ever thought was even possible. :)

Eric's address

For anyone who reads this (if anyone) and would like Eric's address to send him packages, letters or whatever- let me know!  I have his exact address and you can expect about 4-7 days before he recieves it. Message me on facebook or text/call me or whatever and I'll give you his new address! :)

got to talk to Eric tonight on facebook chat for a couple minutes.  I'm trying so hard not to be brought down by the fact that my only contact with my husband in over 48 hours has been about 5 texts and 5 minutes of facebook chat.... but it's hard. It's totally not his fault obviously, I guess I just didn't prepare myself for how hard communicating with him would be.  I am very grateful that I've gotten to hear from him at all, though.  I guess it's just tough because I already have so much I want to tell him and I want to hear about what he's doing and there are just so many topics to cover and we cant do it.  I wonder if we'll be able to really catch up and fully include eachother in our daily lives.

I'm going to sleep now, and he's just finishing lunch.  And tomorrow when I wake up, he will be going to sleep.  and my biggest fear is our opposite lives phasing eachother out.  I am still optimistic that we can come up with some sort of schedule and I always knew the first week or two of this would be weird and difficult and uncomfortable, so it can only get better from here.  I should have prepared myself for how busy and demanding his schedule would be over there... I guess I hoped for getting to talk to him more the first few days to ease my discomfort a little bit.  I also hoped he would have more time to get acclimated before they threw him into everything over there. Lord, please please please help me to keep a good attitude and a supportive, encouraging, optimism for Eric and I.
and please help us to be able to stay close and not phase eachother out of our lives despite the opposite time zones... If I'm scared of anything at all- it's that.
Love you, Eric. Hope you have a good day, babe.... Goodnight

the power of love

I know the heading of this post sounds so lame (maybe because it's the title of a Celine Dion ballad.....) but in any case, I've been realizing the power of love more and more since this whole deployment has started.  I find that I am constantly reassuring myself more and more that Eric and I are in love-- madly and truly in love. And that no matter what happens, that will always win.  I hate that we will live pretty separate lives for the next 6 months with him 13 hours a head of me. Literally when I'm awake, he will sleeping.  And I hate that he will have SO much to take his mind off of me and us and I will be here, in our home, counting every minute until he comes home.  There are so many things that I dislike about this but I've chosen to from now on be positive and good-spirited about everything no matter how difficult it may be.  And I think it's because no matter what doubts or worries or ill-feeling I have towards this whole thing, I know that Eric loves me more than he can even put into words.  And I love him no matter what as well.

I've come to realize- so far- that in marriage, when we don't feel loved or supported, our differences become magnified.  We fight for that love and significance and we fight for the marriage itself and sooner or later, marriage can feel like more of a battlefield than a safe haven. Love isnt the answer to every problem but it opens up the feeling of security so that two people can openly talk to eachother and solve problems without anyone feeling bullied or condemned.  Loving eachother is what will bring out the best in eachother which is the biggest reward of love.  So love really is the most powerful thing in the world I think.  It's love that led Christ to give his life for us.  It's love that Christ tells us is the greatest thing we have to give one another.  It's love that will get Eric and I through this hard time in our lives.  It's love that will help me sleep at night knowing that I don't know when I'll get to talk to my husband again.  To love Eric and commit to loving him in every situation or season of life presents SO MUCH potential for the most amazing marriage for us.  To love Eric sacrificially, and strive to re-enact the gospel through my marriage and be a representative of a Christ-like love is the most important thing I can bring to my marriage.

another Eric Update

ALL PRAISE TO GOD for keeping Eric and the rest of the unit safe on their long long flight! MORE praise to God for letting Erics Blackberry Messenger work over in Japan! Haha Eric bbm-ed me at 1:36am last night and have never shot out of bed so fast! I heard his special ringtone for bbm's and I was wide awake! he said that they had just landed somewhere in mainland Japan and they were refueling and on their way to AirForce base Kadina in Okinawa! (And he told me he loved me soo much... Twice ;) I have not heard from him since then but I'm hopeful to hear from him today! it is 1130am here meaning is 1230am there! its already early Wednesday there and Tuesday just started for us! (this 13 hour time difference will for sure take some getting used to.) in any case, I'm hoping that Eric is sleeping soundly and finally off that dag'on plane! I love you, handsome! Wherever you are!

update!!!

hello fellow Eric fans.  Im tearing up as I write this post but I'm simultaneously laughing at myself, so that's progress! it is utterly shocking how my tears ran out yet. ANYWAY! yesterday Eric boarded the plane to his first stop- Alaska. I actually got to skype him in the Alaska airport this morning and our boy still looks good! haha! He whined a little about being hungry... not new news. ;)  But after a long layover, he left this morning at 11am for Japan! its an 8 hour flight so when I hear anything Ill be sure to update! he sends his love and he knows and is so grateful for all the prayers flooding in his way :)

Erics recent schedule...

I've had a few questions about Erics recent schedule. I know now it has been a bit confusing as I have 3 different posts about saying goodbye to him. haha! (Cruel and unusual punishment that I've had to say bye to my husband 3 times but I'll take what time with him I can get ;)  here's what has been up:
October 1st- Eric left for Quantico, VA for training at a camp there on base.
October 8th- Erics Unit through a family day picnic in Quantico. after that, he got liberty for the rest of the weekend meaning that he could come home with me and I brought him back to Quantico Sunday night.
Finally, on the 12th (our 2 month wedding anniversary- best 2 months of my life by the way) Eric got to come home for his last liberty for 3 days. I spent the most romantic and sweet 3 days with my amazing husband and sadly, this past Saturday the 16th, I brought Eric to his Unit and kissed him goodbye.

you put your arms around me and I'm home...

Set Fire To The Third Bar lyrics and video... amazing song.

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms 

goodbye

Well, yesterday was it.  It was a whirlwind of a day and it felt crazy.  Things flew by and kind of went in slow motion at the same time.  But dropping Eric off at his Unit and saying goodbye was by far the hardest thing I think I have ever done.  Knowing that I wont see him again for months. Knowing that its the last kiss I'll get and the last time his arms will hold me for so long.  Eric remained strong through the goodbye and I tried my best but couldnt fight the feeling of desperation to hold him longer or kiss him one more time.  Every feeling physically stung me and I was sick to my stomach as he closed the car door on me and walked away.  


I've closed my eyes several times already to remember how he smells and the way he feels. Yesterday,  I held his face in my hands, and that is a memory embedded into my mind. I can still feel his lips on mine, taste the salt of my tears, and hear the racing of my heart as we said, "'Til we see each other again." I wanted to stop the car and scream, "No! Don't leave me!" But I knew that I couldn't, so I left remembering the love we have and the strength he gives to me and trying to take with me the pride I feel for him because he leaves in honor of America and her people.



No one will EVER understand what it's like for a wife to send her husband away unless they personally endure it.  I will forever be effected by this trial that Eric and I are going to stomach for the next 7 months and the emotions and reactions that I felt yesterday were, hopefully, the hardest that we will need to go through and hopefully that was the near-end to all the tears.


All I need to know to get through everything is that Eric loves me and that he'll love me through all of this.  And I need him to know that he is the world to me and that I love him more than anything.


1 day down... and exactly 200 more days to go.

a detailed thought process on Eric's leaving.

''When you find out your husband is getting deployed, your world changes completely. The man you share your life with is leaving. Days fly by quicker than you have ever known. They are consumed with nonstop picture taking, hugs, kisses and sighs because reality is too close. We try to finish projects around the house and get a quick lesson on using power tools.
It’s days on end trying not to cry too hard so you don’t make him feel bad ... laying your head on his chest trying to memorize the sound of his heartbeat, the way he holds you, kisses you on the head, his laughter and his smell. Holding his hand and not wanting to let go, not even for a second. A million kisses and hugs. Saying I love you 50 times a day and still questioning whether you have said it enough.

Doing the same paperwork, knowing you’ll have to do it again.  Having that conversation no one wants to have about injuries, death and his wishes if it happens. Spending the last week together attending going-away picnics and family events for the military families, the whole time seeing smiles that conceal heartache. Watching families hug more than they probably have in a year, and children running around oblivious of what awaits. Having moments of laughter, and the next second, reality hits and tears start to flow. Watching other families before they deploy, men holding their babies knowing they will miss their first giggle, word, and wonder if they will know him when he gets home. Families taking pictures of everything, no matter how trivial.  Seeing mothers treating their 23-year-old as if he was a kid again, and she always will.

Trying to memorize all the guys' faces and last names because when he calls he never uses their first name when he talks about them. Not being able to be there when they are promoted to show them and tell them how proud of them you are.

Attending a send-off ceremony and feeling like you are the luckiest girl in the world to be married to a hero. Strong and proud they stand in perfect formation. They are clearly disciplined and well-trained. It’s a side of him I have never seen, and I thought I knew everything about him. The last day together you fight back tears every second and wonder how you can just walk away from him. You watch families around you hugging and saying their good-byes. You feel numb and every emotion all at the same time. You struggle to walk to your car and drive away without him, only to pull over moments later to breakdown. Your home is just a house now. Everyday will revolve around thinking about him, worrying and watching the clock to calculate what time it is half way around the world. You'll try to stay busy, but the stress doesn’t go away. It’s a roller coaster ride, and life won’t let you get off.  Being alone some days is more comforting than forcing yourself to be in a good mood to have coffee with a friend. Friends struggle to say the right things to help, but feel helpless as well. It’s an invisible barrier that separates even family.
Doing laundry and realizing there are none of his clothes to do, and wishing there was. Setting the table for two at dinner even if there is just me. Sleeping on the couch because you can’t bear to sleep in your bed when he is on a cot, and it’s just not the same without him next to you. Leaving his shoes next to the front door because it comforts you, and they won’t be moved until he is home.
Avoiding phone calls because you just can’t talk about it, again. “I’m fine” is never enough, but you can’t make people understand no matter how hard you try. Alienating yourself so you don’t have to fake a smile or conversation.  Wanting to just scream and yell until you have no voice left, and wiping away those endless tears. “Snapping out of it” will take a year. Bonding with military wives you just met, and pouring your heart out because it’s easier than telling your best friend.
Wondering if he will be the same person he was when he left and feel comfortable in his own home when he gets back. Feeling selfish for having a pity party when he has it a lot worse. Watching the news when you are told not to. Not knowing who you are at the end of the day because you can’t be who you were without him.
The word “why” is the first word in everything you think about. No matter how hard you try, you’re always thinking the worst case scenario. Wanting to sleep the whole next year because it’s the only time you get a break from thinking. In reality sleep is only a couple hours here and there. Avoiding your favorite songs or TV shows that you enjoyed together because you have no one’s hand to hold or arms to lay in. Wearing his clothes while he is gone and using a shirt with his cologne as a pillowcase to snuggle up to.
Trying to pray double-time, but feeling like a hypocrite because right now you're angry at God. Walking around with a lump in your throat and a pit in your stomach for the next year. Saying “thank you, he’s fine,” because if you say too much you’ll just cry, like you have done for the past four days. Just going through the motions of getting up, getting ready and going through your day clutching your phone in case he calls. When he does call you get an instant high just knowing he is okay, and trying not to forget to tell him about all things you did that day, but leaving the part out about screaming like a mad woman because your tire is going flat, your job sucks, and bills need to be paid. When all is said and done, you’re proud of the woman you are and you have a girly toolbox.
Wanting people to understand that most of the soldiers don’t want to be there either. They want peace like all of us do. Wondering why almost every house you see doesn’t have an American flag on it like after 9/11.  Wanting to tell all the people at an anti-war rally that they are there because they are free and have those rights because they live in a country protected by the military. That the people your husband encounters everyday would love to have a right to an education. When the worst happens they will want the soldiers to protect them. Understanding the TRUE meaning of honor, pride, dedication and hero. Displaying the American flag, a yellow ribbon, supporting our troops, and never forgetting."

his will

Things have been better for me. This past Saturday was a week since Eric left and I actually got to spend it with him! They had a family day picnic in Quantico and it was so much fun! I brought Kobe with me and she really remembered her daddy and was jumping and playing all over him.  The weather was beautiful and God just gave us another amazing day together.  Seeing Eric walking down the path at the park towards me was such a great feeling.  I know it's only been a week but it felt way longer and being back in his arms felt SO so amazing.  We got to spend Saturday together and most of Sunday before I had to bring him back to his camp which is always a yucky feeling.  But for the first time on Saturday, I almost forgot about Japan.  It wasnt the first thing in all my thought processes and I just simply enjoyed time with Eric and his other friends from his Unit and their families.  I just had fun and I didnt think about Japan and upcoming deployment.  It was a good feeling and I have no doubt that it was God giving me peace about his will for what was about to happen in our lives.

Today I met a woman and we randomly got to talking.  I told her of my recent wedding and that Eric was leaving for Japan and a shortened version of my recent life.  As we got deeper into talking, she told me the story of how she'd lost both of her parents in a car accident when she was 16.  She also told me about some other horrorific things that she has been through in her 55 years of life and as she's talking, she starts crying and you can just tell how broken she is.  Maybe she's more broken than I can even understand because she has had to deal with so many things and may not have any fulfilling feeling of peace in her life with it all.  Then she says "and you know what, Mandie?  I wouldnt be the woman I am today and I wouldnt have the strength and hope that I have if I didnt realize that NONE of it has been by my own will.... It's been Jesus. It's HIS strength and HIS provision and HIS will."  She goes on to tell me how prayer isnt about praying for what you want to happen and praying for God to let things go your way or make something easier for you.  The heart of your prayer should be "but God, let whatever your WILL is, be done."  She wouldnt have survived the inexplainable PAIN and heartbreak and TRIAL of her life without truly submitting and MEANING it when she ended her prayers with "... but whatever Your plan is God, let it happen and let me be at peace with whatever it is."  I realize that I'm sharing my morning and a glass of sweet tea with a strong woman of the Lord.  I'm being taught a huge lesson from a complete stranger.  God really is working in a mysterious and random way to show me something.

Since we found out about Eric's deployment back in March, I have, quite honestly, prayed that something would change and that it would get cancelled. It sounds so silly and like a dumb prayer.  I prayed even after Eric got his official orders that something would happen and that they wouldnt have to go. I prayed that I'd be able to go with him for all 6 months and that didn't work out... so I got mad at God.  Once I went to the pre-deployment family meeting about a month ago, I realized that like it or not, this was happening.  I was mad and overwhelmed with so much emotion.  The way I started interpreting things was like God and I were sitting on the sidelines together, both bummed out and  feeling defeated, watching all the deployment preparation start. Like I had put myself on His level.  Like there was nothing either of us (me or God) could do about it. (So dumb.)  But today something different and very real hit me while talking to Lesa.  I never once have prayed for God's will to be done through all of this.  I havent really truly prayed that something good would come of it. I've prayed that God's will would be the same as my will.  I've prayed that I would have peace at heart while Eric as gone (i.e. that I wouldnt miss him too much and that I wouldnt cry anymore)  but I never once prayed or even understood "God, this is your will and I WANT YOUR WILL. and Lord, HELP give me peace to be able to submit to your will." 

God has such a huge plan for Eric and I's life together.  Like, SO huge. and from scripture I know that its a good and amazing plan to give us a GOOD life.  I feel like honestly, I've never really truly WANTED God's will for my life unless it was in accordance with what I thought it should be.  Without submitting to Jesus and truly wanting Him to take over my life, my prayer life becomes somewhat selfish and empty.  And I'm really realizing now how much it's really effected me.  Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans... ;)